Say what??

Where's Richard Nixon when we need him to "make everything perfectly clear" as he was so often wont to do? Life can be confusing enough without people talking like they have a mouth full of mush. ... Case in point is a friend of mine who lives out in the country being stopped in her front yard by a guy in a pickup who asked about a Pit Bull on the other side of a nearby garage. "I've been seeing it for three years," the guy said, "and it's just going to deteriorate, so I wonder if it needs a new home." ... A deteriorating pit bull? Three years? How could I have missed that? my friend wondered to herself, and said, "I've lived here a long time and I've never seen a pit bull here." ... "Well, that pit bull's right over there," the man pointed. ... "Really? A pit bull?" my friend said, amazed, walking over to look around the nearby garage. ... The guy stared at her. "Pit bull?" he shouted, "I said 'fifth wheel', I'm askin' about the fifth wheel over there." Oh.

It's the Tower of Babel all over again, folks. No man knows what the other is saying. .... Not even when you're a radio announcer. A co-worker told me about listening for "the Bahstin Klasco music" after it was announced to be coming up next on KUAF ... but it sounded an awful lot like Mozart. Oh wait, it was Mozart. Then the Bahstin Klasco music was announced again, but no, this was Debussy. ... Then a different announcer came on and announced the "best in classical music." ... ah, the mysterious "Bahstin Klasco music," revealed at last. ... Whatever happened to enunciating the words and all the syllables in them, eh kids?

Speaking of which, praise Sony, TV has pictures or we'd barely figure out the news. ... Same co-worker was in the kitchen when a story about pibbles came on TV in the living room. Someone had bad pibbles and there was trouble in the neighborhood about it. ... Was it a new virus? ... When my friend heard the pibbles were quarantined in a cage, she just had to peer into the living room. ... Yup, there were the pibbles in a big cage. You'd have thought by the sight of them they were actually pit bulls, but the little reporter lady kept right on calling 'em pibbles. ... At least they weren't fifth wheels.

You, too, can have adventures in language, just email me at oliverdeplace@hotmail.com.