[Masthead] Fair ~ 77°F  
High: 95°F ~ Low: 74°F
Saturday, Aug. 23, 2014
Wisecrack Zodiac (07/31/14)
Aries: Success takes ability, luck and lots of fertilizer. You have two components ready to go, now you just need to find a skill besides talking bullcrap, unless you want to go into politics. Taurus: You're slow to act, so when you start to make a move on Wednesday, give a warning yelp. That way, the pigeons roosting on you won't be quite as startled...
Wisecrack Zodiac (07/24/14)
Aries: Forget the things that go bump in the night, you should be more concerned with what's stumbling around your garage in the morning. Could be a neighbor or a bear; either way, it's a hairy situation. Taurus: Finders may be keepers, but you won't cry if you lose something out of your pocket on Wednesday because the Universe has a "no questions asked" replacement policy. You'll come out richer than you went in...
Wisecrack Zodiac (07/17/14)
Aries: You won't land the goose and its golden egg, but keep on the lookout for the chicken offering free wifi and Starbucks gift cards. That's a much handier bird to have around. Taurus: Congratulations! You've just taken a step toward progress. Now if you can break your other foot free from the cement, you'll be staggering to that goal in no time...
Wisecrack Zodiac (07/10/14)
Aries: Not everything that's difficult to do is worth doing. Listen to your inner slacker on Tuesday and grab some beer instead. Work satisfaction pales in comparison to a slightly buzzed afternoon in a lawn chair. Taurus: Someone sees you as their guardian angel, but you're not so sure. Relax and take the job; they seem low-maintenance, and you look fabulous in those big, fluffy wings...
Wisecrack Zodiac (07/03/14)
Aries: Opportunity won't knock for you, but it will pull into the driveway and honk the horn. Be ready to jump at a moment's notice, because it wants to beat the traffic and make good time. Taurus: Wise men say you can discover the whole world in a grain of sand, but you'll have to work up to that. Find your butt with both hands first, and you can dig some sand out of your swim trunks to study...
Wisecrack Zodiac (06/19/14)
Aries: The only time you should jump the gun is when someone's shooting Nerf darts. Otherwise, wait for the wedding like everyone else. Taurus: Take heart, because the universe is smiling on you. It's a good smile, too, not a creepy one like your weird uncle always has during Thanksgiving dinner. Bet you'll never look under that table again...
Wisecrack Zodiac, May 29, 2014 (05/29/14)
You have a rare opportunity to redeem yourself on Monday. Make sure your expiration date hasn't passed, and ask the clerk if she honors double coupons. Sometimes it's easier to value yourself when you know what you're worth to a barcode scanner. You're feeling more lost than a sensitivity coach in a Dirty Harry movie. Don't worry, when it comes to wisdom, you're packing plenty of heat. Blow people away with your impressive knowledge of Spongebob Squarepants trivia. That'll leave 'em in the dust...
Wisecrack Zodiac (05/15/14)
Aries: Wild horses may not get the truth from you, but a wild-eyed spouse with a fly swatter can. Erase your browser history and quit hanging out with loose-minded wombats on Chat Roulette unless you want to lose half your stuff. Taurus: You're not the fastest person; a distracted turtle could beat you in land speed records. Something sets a fire underneath you on Wednesday, though, and makes you move. Don't worry, you'll get used to the jet flames coming out of your butt...
Wisecrack Zodiac (05/08/14)
Aries: You have a spring in your step. Maybe you shouldn't be smuggling out merchandise from your job at the Slinky factory. If you try to run, there will be more bounce to your ounces down the stairs. Taurus: A sweet gesture on Friday will warm the cockles of your heart. Or it could just be indigestion. Avoid the meatball sub or you won't know whether to be flattered or in need of Tums...
Wisecrack Zodiac (05/01/14)
Aries: You're suspicious of good fortune without consequences. When the universe gives you a cookie this week, ask it to kick you in the shins, too, so you won't be surprised later. Taurus: Feel free to ignore the naysayers on Friday. You're living in your own little world, but at least you have wi-fi and mail delivery there...
Wisecrack Zodiac (04/24/14)
Aries: It's easier to take a gander than endure a goose, but you should still keep your distance from fowl play on Thursday. No golden eggs to see here, move along. Taurus: Two wrongs don't make a right, but 27 of them will get you a movie deal about your life. Hold out for Nicholas Cage to play you. Whether you're male or female, it will be worth it...
Wisecrack Zodiac (04/17/14)
Aries: Oooh, baby, you must be jelly because jam don't shake like that. Actually, not even Jell-O shakes like that in an earthquake. Maybe you should get that checked out by a specialist or a jazz band. Taurus: Your ship is about to come in, but you'll need a bigger dock to hold it. Get yourself some extra wood, or you'll be stuck with just a little dinghy...
Wisecrack Zodiac (04/10/14)
Aries: You need some "me" time, but even you don't want to be with you right now. Do something that requires no soul-searching or self-reflection, like politics or hosting a talk show. That will give you some space from yourself. Taurus: Every snowflake is different, but that doesn't mean it's beautiful. So-called perfection is high maintenance, so spend some time with the weird and goofy-looking snowflakes. They're more fun, and they don't stare into the mirror as much...
Wisecrack Zodiac (04/03/14)
Aries: Some days your inner child leads you to unbelievable joy. On Thursday, it has a dirty diaper and encourages you to find a gas mask. Deal with the mess and try not to barf in the wicker trash basket. Taurus: Quit looking for silver linings in clouds. That's just the universe's way of saying "Thank you for playing" and giving you a year's worth of Rice-A-Roni. Hold out on Friday for the big prize...
Wisecrack Zodiac (03/27/14)
Aries: You're always looking for the next big thing and not sweating the small stuff. Quit expecting Fort Knox to land in your lap and pay attention to the little shiny bits passing you by. Your good fortune pops up one nugget at a time. Taurus: Sometimes bad things happen, but you don't need a flashing neon sign to warn you. That Bull sensibility means you're prepared for anything, even zombie weasels with weed-whackers...
Widecrack Zodiac Dec. 12, 2013 (12/12/13)
You'll reach places you never dreamed of this week when a toddler discovers that fun little "plunk" your keys make when they land in an overflowing toilet in Toys R Us. Afterward, check aisle nine for a walk-in Purell dispenser. If you think a snow blower is a cheap tramp Frosty met at a keg party, you're spending too much time on the naughty websites. Grab a shovel and tunnel your way into the real world again, because you don't have enough ramen noodles to last until spring thaw...
Wisecrack Zodiac for Dec. 5, 2013 (12/05/13)
Aries: While you won't cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war, you may mumble "Meh," and take out the poodle of procrastination this week. Feel free, but bring along the puppy pooper scooper for the trip. If things look bad to you right now, you need better glasses and worse judgment. Lower your expectations and you'll find a world of inane opportunities. Better yet, if you survive them all, you'll have one heck of a story...
Wisecrack Zodiac, July 26 edition (07/28/12)
Aries: Only love and remotes are universal; everything else takes a bit of translation. Sound out the clues and you may be pleasantly surprised. Or you've just ordered a moose with everything. Taurus: The mouse of truth will run up your pants leg and give you a moment of panic. If nothing else, you'll discover another excellent reason to buy new underwear...
Wisecrack Zodiac, July 19 edition (07/18/12)
Aries: Life is what you make of it, but sometimes you have to admit you're a lousy cook. Keep it simple this week, so you don't have to repaint the kitchen again. Taurus: It's fine to let someone probe the depths of your soul, as long as they don't go all alien on your butt. Wear some form-fitting tighty-whities so no one can get their tool too close to your X-File zone...
Wisecrack Zodiac, July 12 edition (07/12/12)
Aries: It's fine to find your passion, as long as your passion isn't in your neighbor's hammock, with the hot neighbor still in it. There are better ways to spend a summer day than watching your sweetie torch your possessions. Taurus: A good deed earns you a rich reward on Wednesday. Remember, don't spend all of that shiny quarter in one place, and you can't tuck change into a G-string...
Wisecrack Zodiac from July 5 (07/04/12)
Aries: If a dark cloud appears overhead, enjoy the shade. You've been in the limelight so long, your skin is getting leathery. Soak up some quiet, some moisture and a little aloe vera if you can. Taurus: It may be true you can't find your butt with a GPS device and a monkey pointing the way, but look at it this way: you always have a challenge ahead of you...
Wisecrack Zodiac (09/30/10)
Aries:You used to flip houses, now you flip burgers. The economy sucks, but that's no reason to go all Mel Gibson on your family. There are scarier things than Mad Max and they're sitting at the other end of the couch. Taurus:If you're feeling a breeze down below and someone's begging you to keep the lampshade on, you may have turned the life of the party into the death of your reputation. ...
Wisecrack Zodiak (08/13/09)
Aries: If you're not asking for whom the bell tolls, you need some louder ringtones on your cell phone. Think less Hemingway, more Metallica, or set your phone to vibrate; a better day will be buzzing soon. Taurus: You've looked under the hood and kicked the tires, but is this an opportunity you can cruise with, or will it leave you stranded on the interstate? If you don't take a test drive, at least buy some good walking shoes...
Wisecrack Zodiak (08/06/09)
Aries: You think you've hit a bright spot, but it's just some kid with a magnifying glass and too much time on his hands. Grab some shade under a leaf before you lose a limb to that laser beam. Taurus: You're feeling wild this week; there's chocolate for dinner, you've turned off the TV before Law and Order, and you're wearing your sexiest Tweety nightshirt. The night was made for redneck love...
Wisecrack Zodiac (06/23/09)
Aries: You don't have to be Diogenes with a dim glowstick to find someone worthy. Just look to your left. C'mon now, your other left. Don't bogart that light, let them check you out as well. You both could be ready for prime time. Taurus: Being stubborn as a bull is one thing, but you're getting all horned up over someone who won't back down, and your best pointy parts might end up as a trophy on a wall...
Wisecrack Zodiac (06/18/09)
Aries: You're like a 1970s cop show: fast and loud, but you get the job done. Work hard this week, and everyone will laugh with you before the ending theme music starts up. Taurus: Need some quiet time? Kick everyone off the island, order some sharks online and let 'em loose before you stretch out on the beach. Don't go cheap; the frickin' laser beam option is always worth the extra cash...
Wisecrack Zodiac (06/10/09)
Aries: Your fear is getting a turbo boost from your imagination, because that chasm you're facing isn't as deep as you think. You might get teased by kids for bungee-jumping from the curb. Taurus: As the master of the deal, you should realize that not everything cheap is a bargain, especially when it comes to love or life insurance. Pass on a fiery encounter, and you won't burn holes in your pocket paying out for both...
Wisecrack Zodiac (06/03/09)
Aries: Your favorite chair's broken, and you only have yourself to blame; a 600-lb. gorilla is hard on the furniture. Address what you've been avoiding, and teach him some home repair. Who knows? He could end up a DeVry graduate. Taurus: You're tough, stubborn and immobile; a rock of stability. ...
Wisecrack Zodiac (05/28/09)
Aries: Not every question can be answered with a boot to the head; some questions require a wiffle ball to the groin. Step up to the plate for your helping of cosmic knowledge. Taurus: There's more to life than weekend marathons of Molly Ringwald movies; brave the pollen this week and get out there; you might even meet your own adorable yet spunky redhead. Or you could just find a good yard sale. Either way, you win...
Wisecrack Zodiac (05/20/09)
Aries: Your week is so tasty, it's been sealed for your protection. Enjoy this freebie from the universe as you rip open a new bag and sniff that cosmic puff of air; mmmm, factory-fresh! Taurus: Monday only feels tragic enough to be a country song, but by Tuesday, it's sounding more like a Ray Stevens hit involving streakers and loose squirrels. Tap your toes and hum the tune through Friday; you'll be fine...
Wisecrack Zodiac (05/06/09)
Aries: You've been digging in the cereal box for a prize, and only coming up with well-fingered Fruit Loops. Have faith, because this week you'll finally hit the jackpot, and it's not a cheap Wolverine decoder ring. Taurus: Hey, you've got the looks and moves, that goes without saying. What you're really going to need in order to score is a dash of humility. Call your relatives for a reality check, and you'll have a slice of humble pie in no time...
Wisecrack Zodiac (04/22/09)
Aries: You're sniffling at cute commercials, and you haven't flipped the bird in traffic for nearly a week. You're not sick, just having a rare flash of warm fuzzies. Watch five minutes of Fox News -- that will cure it. Taurus: Some days you're the dog, but this week you're the fire hydrant. Pop open that umbrella before the Great Dane of the Universe hikes his leg; otherwise you'll be yellow, but not so mellow...
Wisecrack Zodiac (02/23/09)
Aries: Sure, the cold weather sucks, but you need to do more this winter than just argue on-line about who would win in a fight: Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Bundle up and get some fresh air; Buffy would totally beat down Sabrina, anyway...
Wisecrack Zodiac (02/18/09)
Aries: Sometimes the only way all the pieces will fit is with a good pair of scissors and some Super Glue. Sure, the picture may not be pretty when you're finished, but you've solved the puzzle. Taurus: All the small stuff, like the bills, will work themselves out this week, leaving you to ponder the big questions, like why anyone would hook up with the sea when Brandy is such a fine girl, or how do you call a horse with no name?...
Wisecrack Zodiac (01/20/09)
Aries: Your hard-headedness has smashed down many doors, and you have the splinters stuck in your scalp to prove it. But a new opportunity won't respond to brute force; you'll have to use your crash-rattled brain this time to figure it out. Taurus: Winter has you craving some quality hibernation time, but hang in there, Yogi: you can't spend days napping, eating and letting your back hair grow when there's stuff to get done. ...
Wisecrack Zodiac (01/13/09)
Aries: Wrestling a pig only gets you dirty and lets the porcine victim file for sexual harassment. Stay out of the mud and politics; you'll remain clean, sane and emotionally stable through these long Eureka winter months. Taurus: Your stubborn streak is wide, long and hard this week; someone may finally take the bull by the horns and get through to you. Listen to them on Tuesday, because their wild idea may be the next big thing...
Wisecrack Zodiac (11/24/08)
Aries: You're feeling a little naked this week, and not just because your eyebrows were singed off during that deep-frying turkey accident on Thanksgiving. Scale back on sharing those deep, dark secrets, and buy an eyebrow pencil. Taurus: That amazing, money-saving plan you've concocted for the holidays? Do a little re-think, because not everyone will appreciate getting their gifts on Jan. 3, when the big sales hit. Even Ebenezer wouldn't go that far...
Wisecrack Zodiac (11/24/08)
Aries: You're feeling a little naked this week, and not just because your eyebrows were singed off during that deep-frying turkey accident on Thanksgiving. Scale back on sharing those deep, dark secrets, and buy an eyebrow pencil. Taurus: That amazing, money-saving plan you've concocted for the holidays? Do a little re-think, because not everyone will appreciate getting their gifts on Jan. 3, when the big sales hit. Even Ebenezer wouldn't go that far...
Wisecrack Zodiac (10/01/08)
Aries: Lately, you've felt like a pair of brown shoes surrounded by sharp Bond tuxedos; a little out of place and less than stylish. Use that headbutting charm of yours, and you'll set a brand new trend. Taurus: Autumn brings experiences money just can't buy; long walks in falling leaves and gorgeous sunsets. Let someone know you're a cheap date this season, so you can enjoy yourself...
Wisecrack Zodiac (09/17/08)
Aries: Instead of charging forward, you've danced the Charleston, with a little Electric Slide thrown in for good measure. You're not where you wanted to be, but knowing your planning skills, is that so bad? Taurus: You're good in a pinch. Trouble is, no one's pinched you lately. Try a new outfit, a French accent, anything to get your game on again...
Beth Bartlett
Wisecrack Zodiac