Bill Earngey

Kenya, once an East African, British colonial possession, is home to the Masai, famously fierce warriors, as well as exceptional herdsmen.

  The British, ever obtuse about cultures other than English, "hired" them to tend vegetable gardens, swat insects and such. This deal fell apart pretty fast, after the British told the Masai to get rid of their goats because the goats were eating the gardens.

  What the Masai understood was "get rid of your money," because local wealth was counted by goats. The British, of course, had no clue, except the goat guys weren't showing up for work, which made the homefolks peevish about missing their veggies. When they finally found out why, they were in a quandary.

  What to do? "We can't back down, the buggers will think we're weak, but the pressure at home is unbearable." The solution: "Invite them back but make it clear we won't tolerate seeing any goats in the gardens." The result: The Masai came back, goats and all, and the British pretended not to see any goats in the gardens.

  Nice compromise, however the lesson is more toward the Rolling Stones' "You can't always get what you want/But if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need."

  Okay, settle back, we're shifting gears.

  So, what's it with our being "branded" by a subcommittee of the Chamber of Commerce, and by the mayor's Task Force? These folks are awfully serious and they spend way too much time looking up second definitions in the dictionary.

  They've "branded" us as eclectic, a starchy word, like we all sleep in suits, and as magical (Tinkerbell?), like we wake up already cleaned and pressed.

  And, by the way, "branding," a very trendy blah-blah word, brings up the mental image of a red-hot poker, which could cause some eclectic minds to wander to the Greek guy, Hippocrates, father of modern medicine, whose cure for hemorrhoids was a red-hot poker.

  Loosen up guys. How about coming up with a truly eclectic ("choosing what is best or preferred from a variety of sources or styles") concept first, like including people who have compromising and conflicting ideas?

  Maybe we should start with: "Why do people go on vacation?" Obvious (we hope) answer: fun. Next: "What do we have to offer?" This is not the time to list everything alphabetically, but some catchy generalizations could jumpstart ideas, like: Pack Light, Play Hard, Eat Like A Pig, Sleep Like A Rock.

  If all else fails, keep it simple. We can just duplicate the Palace Bathhouse neon marquee, erect it at the top of Planner Hill, and add these five neon words below it: WE'RE GLAD TO SEE YOU.

  Don't forget the goats.