Bill Earngey

If the vehicle you drive gets less than 20 miles per gallon, you own a gas guzzler. Simply put, this means you're a second-class citizen. Smokers get more respect.

  "Why pick on me?" Too much gas is the answer. A garbled news story wrote it this way, "Carbon emissions are to rise by 45 percent over 1999 levels."

  Really? Not to purposefully misunderstand this ridiculous sentence, but of course carbon emissions will rise. It's their nature to rise. Think of Uncle Fred forgetting to take GasX. While he might blow his socks down around his shoes, the emission will still rise.

  Consider this: global warming is linked to unwholesome emissions, like exhaust fumes, political speeches, breathing, and methane (cow patties).

  Okay, so what do cows, politicians, breathing, exhaust fumes and Uncle Fred have to do with gas guzzlers? Hot air.

  While on the subject of hot air, Congress in 1996 set the national standard for gas consumption at 27.5 mpg for new cars and 20.7 mpg for new trucks, minivans, and SUVs. During that same period, more than 43 percent of all new vehicles used 14 to 18 mpg.

  What does this tell you? For openers, there should be 43 percent fewer vehicles on the road. Obviously that's not the case, and there is one good reason. Politicians can suck up to a special interest group faster than you can say, "Bahama Mama."

  The best solution is to limit big vehicles to five-gallon gas tanks and to start laying railroad tracks, but that's not going to happen. So stop worrying about stewing in the juices of our own planet and start concentrating on the bottom line, your personal comfort.

  Here are 10 good reasons why you should drive a gas guzzler.

1. It's not my fault. They made me buy it. (Big used vehicles cost less than small used vehicles.)

2. If you're hauling a bunch of kids, the extra six feet of peace and quiet is the difference between stopping to drop them off and shoving 'em out at highway speed.

3. After an accident, there's a direct relationship between the weight of your vehicle and the length of time you'll spend in the hospital.

4. You can find your vehicle in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

5. There will come a time when you'll want to move both the TV and the microwave in one trip.

6. Your dog is bigger than a walking toupee, which also saves you from the indignity of catcalls and rude comments like, "show Me Your Pekinese."

7. The horn doesn't sound like a crazed gerbil.

8. You don't want your teenager getting the wrong idea about how the facts of life work.

9. At a fast-food window you don't keep hearing, Next?"

10. Might as well. Your job has already been downsized.