Bill Earngey

As long as we're on this subject, let's consider the Chamber of Commerce's new, widely played ads to attract attention to Eureka as a wedding destination: "Romancing The Springs."

  One more time: Romancing The Springs. And now, all together: Romancing The Springs. Finally, what in the hell does Romancing the Springs mean? As a definition, romancing means, "to carry on a love affair."

  Huh? Our springs are beautiful, and they're adorned wondrously, but seriously, folks, they are inanimate, like a stone, and they can't appreciate being romanced, which goes to the definition of polymorphous perverse, a psychoanalytic term for the human ability to gain sexual gratification outside socially defined sexual behaviors (Like Romancing the Springs or a stone.). Is this our message?

  A practical thought: Most people getting married are easily below the age of 40. Do they really associate their wedding with some 40-something "Romancing The Stone" movie actor chasing a large reptile into the water so he can get a jewel? Is this a mixed metaphor?

  What are we trying to say about weddings and romance and Eureka? If it's romance, let's remember how bright our stars shine at night, and how a full moon can cast a light so intense, and yet so kind, that you can clearly see the face of your loved one in a dark room.

  How about trying to say "romance" without words, and just invite the bride and groom to Come Dance By The Light Of The Moon.

  In the meantime, we can lure the entire wedding party to our town by giving them good advice about visiting us, about who we are: Pack Light, Play Hard, Eat Like A Pig, Sleep Like A Rock.

  Hey, isn't a wedding supposed to be a celebration? Okay, the bottom line is that Eureka is throwing the party. Come on, dance by the light of the moon -- and if you're a Highlander, take off your shoes.