Folks who steadfastly cling to Eureka's unofficial epithet, "The Town Where Misfits Fit," and who naively end up on the City Council or a commission, can be at first flabbergasted, then floored, frightened, furious and finally frustrated to find out they must adhere to parliamentary procedures as defined by Robert's Rules of Order.

  Essentially these rules mirror the rules of the playground, which are, in part: mind your manners, play fair and don't complain.

  The simplest, most generalized example of how business (leading to a vote) begins is: "Obtain the floor (the right to speak) by being the first to stand [in Eureka, raise a hand] when the person speaking has finished ... Standing while another has the floor is out of order! [he/she] ... must be recognized by the Chair before speaking!"

  "Debate can not begin until the Chair has stated the motion ...! "Members may suggest modification of the motion; the mover can modify as he pleases, or even withdraw the motion without consent of the seconder ... The member moving the 'immediately pending question' is entitled to preference to the floor!

  "No member can speak twice to the same issue until everyone else wishing to speak has spoken to it once. All remarks must be directed to the Chair. Remarks must be courteous in language and deportment -- avoid all personalities, never allude to others by name or to motives! When debate has ended, the Chair calls for the vote. No further debate is allowed."

The wrath of God

  Henry Martyn Roberts, an engineer in the U.S. Army, wrote his first Rules of Order in 1876 when he was asked to preside over a church meeting. Possibly he wrote a very short version of today's Rules of Order to avoid incurring the wrath of God.

  The tenth edition has hundreds of pages and, although it has not incurred the wrath of God, it has caused the uninitiated politician severe stress to the point of nausea, violent hopping, heart suckers, Wedgie flashbacks and childbirth for either gender in less than 30 seconds.

Equal footing

  However, Robert's Rules "Provides common rules and procedures for deliberation and debate in order to place the whole membership on the same footing and speaking the same language."

  "Complementary is the right of at least a strong minority to require the majority to be deliberate -- to act according to its considered judgment ...

  "The fundamental right of deliberative assemblies requires all questions to be thoroughly discussed before taking action!"

  The gist of knowing Robert's Rules is mainly experience at the parliamentary table, and the ability to read an alphabetically ordered index.

  Fortunately, the Rule book also contains easily read charts (sort of "cheat sheets") that distill the mechanics of how to phrase a motion, the number of votes required to pass a motion, which motion has precedent over others, and if it requires a second, etc.

Minority rights

  Most of all, Robert's Rules is written to protect the rights of the minority opposing the majority. For example, without these rights, a slim majority could continuously "Call The Previous Question," which is a motion to end debate. To thwart the possibility of gagging the minority, this motion requires a vote of two-thirds (as opposed to a majority).

  To further confuse the uninitiated politician, there is a mathematical anomaly of having six members on our City Council, which results in a majority vote of four, which is the same as two-thirds of the membership, but two-thirds is supposed to be a higher standard (more yes votes) than a majority. The Arkansas Supreme Court has wished out loud for this kind of anomaly to generate a lawsuit.

  So, if you're running for office this November, remember that politics is not about purple-prose oration. It's about brain numbing homework and compromise. And a compromise isn't like kissing your sister, it's like kissing a cockroach.

-- Bill Earngey