Bill Earngey [Order this photo]

Writing a weekly column rarely reels in some joker who blows you out of your sneakers. This Bozo didn't give a name:

"The Air Suit should've made my fortune.

  "It all started with the premise that everybody's getting older and trying to stay younger. Consequently, a whole lot of people are doing silly stuff with out-of-date bodies, like walking fast and swinging their arms in strange and dangerous directions. According to the Law of Large Numbers, somebody's bound to fall down and break an elbow. That's where the Air Suit invention came from.

  "At first the idea was padding, lots of body padding. But lots of padding would make apparently-young-looking-old people appear lumpy. Next came bubble wrap but that was already invented.

  "Finally, the Air Suit idea struck home. It would work just like an air bag, but most of the time everybody would look sleeker than an otter in spandex.

  "When the time came to borrow the start-up funds, I wore my Air Suit to meet the money men. These guys were amateur joggers who made high-dollar loans at unreasonable rates. They both wore tight bright colors, leather running shoes, and luminous medical dials graphically describing their physical condition in real time.

  "We all sat fiddling with our gear and drinking fresh fruit spritzers in the non-smoking section of a sidewalk sports bar. The guys ordered a flaming tofu yogurt. A waiter set them down just as I stood up to showcase the otter-sleek design of the Air Suit, and just as a muscular woman riding in-line skates finished an out-of-control rhino charge at our table.

  "The guys jumped away too late. My Air Suit went Blimp-O-Matic, caught the woman's spiked wrist guard, and blew up, blasting the flaming tofu yogurt over to the next table and into the pony-tail wig of a skydiver dressed for the Big Jump.

  "The yogurt, now a flaming wig, torched the skydiver's safety chute, which exploded, heaving a pink and orange canopy over six of the seven nearest tables.

  "Deflated by the idea, I left alone.

  "Happy New Year."

  Really?