Bill Earngey [Order this photo]

For those who only appear to have shuffled off this mortal coil, wake up, you're not in Hell, yet, but you are toe-to-toe with the first circle of it: petitioning to campaign for City Council.

This is the infancy stage, marked by a clipboard, a ballpoint pen, and breathless sincerity, which comes with, "My name is I.M. Goodenough, and I'm running for City Council."

Don't slam the door. Take the clipboard and the ballpoint pen hostage, then start grilling Goodenough. Here's a checklist:

1. We have about 80,000 tourists each year. Why do we only have two advertised public bathrooms, neither of which has a baby changing station? Aren't we supposed to be family friendly?

2. Our town has ordinances, a building inspector, and commissions that lay down or administer rules most of which are usually ignored or "worked around" because there is no "follow-up." Would you vote to eliminate the council's and the mayor's salaries and use that annual $32,000 to hire an enforcement officer?

3. A council finance committee that meets once a month would help, a lot.

4. The council and the mayor meeting quarterly to review the budget would dramatically reduce the odds of fouling up a project like the sewer plant. It also helps bond companies to think we aren't as squirrely as we look.

5. A council committee attending the mayor's department head meetings would keep a sharp focus on the big picture. It also might strengthen trust.

6. How about requiring disclosure of the votes of private groups, clubs, associations and other lobbyists when one person represents the group as a whole at a council meeting?

7. Would you bar a council member from deliberating or voting on an issue or an ordinance in which he has a professional, family or monetary interest?

Okay, handover the clipboard and pen, asking, "How many telephone calls, letters, e-mails, etc. would it take to persuade you to vote yes or no?" (There is only one right answer.) "The number of votes it took to elect me to make up my own mind."