Wisecrack Zodiac

Aries: Why is your minivan stalled when all the lights are green? Your "Smokey and the Bandit" dream may clash with your "Daddy Day Care" reality, but that sensible ride has the heart of a Reynolds-ready Trans Am, so grab your hat and watch your head, Fred.

Taurus: Eating Twinkies while watching Richard Simmons sweat to the oldies does not count as an exercise plan; in fact, it's pretty creepy. Jog around the house a few times until Jerry Springer comes on.

Gemini: If your exposure to the arts consists lately of dancing to "Sweet Home Alabama" in the KFC commercials, grab a partner and escape for a concert; you might even stay up as late as 10 p.m., but wild living does have its price.

Cancer: Just because you work in a jungle of cubicle monkeys doesn't mean you need to fling poo and mark the copier as your territory. You might have to pee a circle around the coffeemaker, too, and keep loaded in case of cheeky chimps. Good thing you switched to decaf!

Leo: If people say your bark is worse than your bite, that's only because you haven't chewed anyone up in a while. Give them a lesson in Werewolf Movies 101: they never see the teeth until you start spitting out crunchy parts.

Virgo: Watching everyone shop early for the holidays? Losers. You're already shopping for next Christmas; this year's goodies are already wrapped, tagged and filed alphabetically in the closet. Beat that, Martha Stewart.

Libra: Your week will be like a new bra delivery at Victoria's Secret: full, uplifting, and bringing lots of hope to others. Quit looking at your cups as half-empty, cross your heart and promise to enjoy some happiness.

Scorpio: You're feeling a bit out of touch, so quiz yourself: Have a job? Have a sweetie? Have a personal assistant named Rex who's an imaginary lilac ferret dressed in a James Bond tux? Uh-oh. Maybe you should back off the Internet-purchased pharmaceuticals.

Sagittarius: Some days you're the Pit Bull, some days you're the mailman. Either way, watch where you step, because someone else is having a really bad week on the bottom of your shoe.

Capricorn: If you get the wool pulled over your eyes, quit sitting under tall sheep. Remember, don't believe everything you see, half of what you hear, and forget everything advertised on late night TV.

Aquarius: Strap on those old platform shoes, because you're pondering some big steps right now. Question is, can you still do the hustle like Travolta, or will you end up wearing a body cast?

Pisces: Your pond is dry, and you're tired of floundering in the mud. Never fear, because a rainstorm brings you good luck this week, filling your puddle with some much-needed fortune.

Copyright Beth Bartlett, 2008

Want more?

Visit Beth at www.wisecrackzodiac.com.