Aries: Wrestling a pig only gets you dirty and lets the porcine victim file for sexual harassment. Stay out of the mud and politics; you'll remain clean, sane and emotionally stable through these long Eureka winter months.
Taurus: Your stubborn streak is wide, long and hard this week; someone may finally take the bull by the horns and get through to you. Listen to them on Tuesday, because their wild idea may be the next big thing.
Gemini: You have a mood and personality for each occasion, but lately you've been spinning like a crazed pinwheel trying to please everyone. Step back out of the breeze and find your ground before it comes up and smacks you.
Cancer: Home is where the heart is, but your booty is out on the dance floor, burning up those Christmas calories. Keep dancing, baby, and don't worry about the tune; you're so good, the music comes to you.
Leo: It doesn't matter if a zebra can't change its stripes; they're still good eatin'. Take a bite out of life and thin the herd this week. Nothing gets respect like seeing you demolish half the office staff.
Virgo: Looking for a diversion? Pick up that long-abandoned hobby again and de-stress. Besides, who but you can make tiny NASCAR outfits for Beanie Babies and put them on eBay? Your time has come.
Libra: If you feel like exploring the spiritual depths of the cosmos, go ahead; just remember, often the search for enlightenment ends up lightening your wallet as well. Meditation is free, and it freaks out the tourists when you do it in the park.
Scorpio: The devil may be in the details, but there's plenty of gremlins in the grand scheme as well. Zoom out your ant-incinerating focus a bit, and take in the big picture before you begin that nit-picking demon hunt.
Sagittarius: This week your inner strength shines so brightly, even Oprah is rendered speechless by the glow, which causes an awkward broadcast moment on Wednesday. Accept praise, devotion and cash awards for your wonderfulness; you've earned it.
Capricorn: That stabbing pain in your side? That's the universe poking you with a sharp stick. Something right in front of you needs your attention. If that pain keeps up, go see a doctor, for goodness' sake.
Aquarius: This week, you don't need a leprechaun to find the treasure at rainbow's end; you manage to find a gleaming pot full of luck all on your own. Just remember, karma always likes a kickback on good fortune.
Pisces: You're so dreamy and light-hearted this week, your family ties a string to your foot so you'll stay tethered to the porch. Your mind is filling with a year's worth of inspiration and creativity, so take notes and enjoy.
Copyright Beth Bartlett, 2008
Visit Beth at www.wisecrackzodiac.com.