Aries: Sure, the cold weather sucks, but you need to do more this winter than just argue on-line about who would win in a fight: Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Bundle up and get some fresh air; Buffy would totally beat down Sabrina, anyway.
Taurus: Lately, you've been feeling like a gerbil in a paper airplane: going places fast, but not feeling too stable. Plan your landing now, in case that Kleenex parachute doesn't do the trick.
Gemini: Finding middle ground isn't hard for you; staying there is the problem. This time, pitch a tent and avoid the emotional skirmishes around the edges. Sometimes straddling the fence is worth the chafing.
Cancer: Often, life isn't as impressive as the advertisements, much like mail-order sea monkeys. But this week, all the promises come true, giving you the best deal you can even imagine, better than wearing X-Ray specs.
Leo: Anyone can yell, "Ta-da," but you actually have the skills to make the tiger under the sheet disappear. Use that sleight-of-hand to solve a troubling issue at work, and you'll revel in the applause.
Virgo: Following the straight and narrow path usually means riding more twists and turns than Kool-Aid through a crazy straw, but now the choices are simple; that doesn't mean, however, that you can't screw up, so watch your footwork.
Libra: A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet, but it would probably be trademarked, copyrighted and marketed with its own 800 number and Web site. Dump the high-maintenance flowers and hang with some dandelions for a while.
Scorpio: Some hot cutie has caught your eye; if they give it back, you'll be able to see things clearly before you make your big move. If not, hey, blame your short-sightedness on Barry White and a dimly-lit room.
Sagittarius: Your bluebird of happiness ran off with a fast-talking parakeet to Las Vegas, so you'll have to make your own sunshine for a few days. Charge your chuckles with a few Marx Brothers DVDs until your hungover avian friend shows back up.
Capricorn: This week, you're the Zorro of the workplace, leaving your mark on everyone you meet. Unfortunately, not everyone appreciates a giant 'Z' on their forehead, so duck out early Friday before the posse forms.
Aquarius: The stars predict travel in your future: will you finally take that dream vacation, or will you simply drive around downtown for three hours on Saturday looking for a parking space? Pack clean undies, just in case.
Pisces: Watch out this week for men with mustaches and women wearing chain mail thongs, or is it the other way around? Nonetheless, you could find yourself in a pinch with a ticklish situation on your hands.
Copyright Beth Bartlett, 2008
Visit Beth at www.wisecrackzodiac.com.