Aries: You're sniffling at cute commercials, and you haven't flipped the bird in traffic for nearly a week. You're not sick, just having a rare flash of warm fuzzies. Watch five minutes of Fox News -- that will cure it.
Taurus: Some days you're the dog, but this week you're the fire hydrant. Pop open that umbrella before the Great Dane of the Universe hikes his leg; otherwise you'll be yellow, but not so mellow.
Gemini: You're contemplating a new look, so feel free to jump into redecorating mode and bury yourself in color swatches. Just remember to involve a professional, so your carpet will match your drapes.
Cancer: Not everyone is born to be a star; some folks are natural stagehands. Take heart, roadie of reality: between the groupies and self-imploding divas, you've got it made. The dental and 401K perks aren't bad, either.
Leo: A few may gossip that you're all show, but you're a cactus: your bark is your bite. Make sure your co-workers get the point this week, and you won't have to needle them later.
Virgo: You've been through the maze, and there's no cheese in sight. Before you go all Ratbo, squeak around to see if everyone else's cheddar is delayed as well. Your Stilton may be stuck in the economic stimulus.
Libra: Normally you're fresh as a daisy, but lately, you've suffered a bad case of creeping myrtle on your back forty. Don't be embarrassed; everyone has to visit the ointment aisle. Also, tell Myrtle to get another hobby -- she really should know better.
Scorpio: Yes, it was a hard winter, but you need to get out in the sun and breathe that fresh spring air. Do it quick, because if you get much paler, you'll burst into flames when you step outside the door.
Sagittarius: Tuesday will be a very good day for you; your stress goes down, your bank account goes up, and an old flame calls just to tell you what a great influence you were. Don't pinch yourself, though, or you will wake up.
Capricorn: It's tempting to hide in the dark with your guilty pleasures, but you're out of lotion, and the Baywatch DVDs are all sticky. Find some real people who talk back, and put that Pamela Anderson model-making kit in the closet for a while.
Aquarius: Trying to find a needle in a haystack? Drop by the dollar store and get a whole pack of the pointy ends for a buck, then grab your honey and re-visit the barn with some pastries, because everyone needs a roll in the hay.
Pisces: Life isn't a cabaret, and it isn't really a cabernet, either, because it rarely flows smoothly. Life is like a really long school play; there should be a two-drink minimum just to get through it. This week, enjoy free drinks.
Copyright Beth Bartlett, 2008
Visit Beth at www.wisecrackzodiac.com.