Taurus: Hey, you've got the looks and moves, that goes without saying. What you're really going to need in order to score is a dash of humility. Call your relatives for a reality check, and you'll have a slice of humble pie in no time.
Gemini: Lately, you've felt like the lead kazoo player in a string quartet; all alone and underappreciated. Your Wednesday is looking up, though, when a novice musician comes along to blow your horn for you.
Cancer: A penny saved is a penny earned, but a $20 bill is better. Leave the change and demand a raise. Don't show your rear too much, though, because you won't wear a pink slip well.
Leo: When the Fickle Finger of Fate flips you the bird, you usually grab it and twist until Fate says "uncle." Add a purple nurple to the lineup, and the universe will deal the hand you want.
Virgo: Poor as a church mouse? At least that nibbler gets to run through the collection plate occasionally. Look around for a fat cat, and do your best Tom and Jerry routine.
Libra: Inner peace is a lot like love; you'll find either when you're not looking for it. Keep some Altoids in your pocket, because both karma and the cuties appreciate fresh breath, then go out and do your own thing.
Scorpio: You're normally so suave, but on Tuesday, you have all the charm and subtlety of an "I'm With Stupid" T-shirt. Wait until Thursday if you have someone to impress, or you could be wearing your defeat in 100-percent ringneck cotton.
Sagittarius: You've been thinking up some big plans, but your idea is about as welcome as a hair-metal band reunion at a Yanni concert. Keep the hare-brained schemes under your hat and play to your easy-listening audience.
Capricorn: Everyone else's monopoly has fallen, but you're doing just fine. Collect your $200, don that top hat, and zoom past Go in your little silver car. Just don't give up all your money to get your hands on a big community chest.
Aquarius: Two choices pop up for you on Friday; one is delicately scripted on perfumed stationery, and the other one is scrawled on the back of a fast-food receipt. Choose carefully, or the writing will be on the wall for you later.
Pisces: Nothing good ever happens after midnight; go to bed earlier this week, or you'll end up with heartburn, heartbreak and 30 cases of OxyClean because you drank lemon schnapps and thought Billy Mays was coming on to you.
Copyright Beth Bartlett, 2009
Visit Beth at www.wisecrackzodiac.com.