Aries: Your week is so tasty, it's been sealed for your protection. Enjoy this freebie from the universe as you rip open a new bag and sniff that cosmic puff of air; mmmm, factory-fresh!
Taurus: Monday only feels tragic enough to be a country song, but by Tuesday, it's sounding more like a Ray Stevens hit involving streakers and loose squirrels. Tap your toes and hum the tune through Friday; you'll be fine.
Gemini: Mama said there would be days like this, but even she didn't know about wild packs of roaming ankle ferrets. Invest in some armored gym socks and run whenever you hear a growl this week.
Cancer: You may fly like you have wings on your feet, but birds of a feather share mites together; before you soar, powder those tootsies down with some anti-itchy protection.
Leo: Too many cooks spoil the broth, and you're tired of simmering in your own juices; don't worry, this week a few of those amateur chefs back off, leaving you to perfect your own dish.
Virgo: Sometimes when you shoot for a full scholarship to M.I.T., you only achieve a 10 percent off coupon for donuts and a brochure for clown college. Keep aiming for the stars, though, because those coupons can really help your budget.
Libra: You can share love, light, wisdom and kindness, but please, please stop sharing those forwarded jokes in your e-mail; the inbox is full when it comes to your family's patience.
Scorpio: Need the spotlight? Take your 15 minutes, but realize it just may be 30 embarrassing seconds played over and over again on YouTube. Ah, the fickle click of fame!
Sagittarius: Your new idea is going over as well as a cell phone kiosk at a Renaissance Fair; do some re-thinking before the big meeting, or you could face a mob armed with flaming turkey legs.
Capricorn: You follow the big picture, but sometimes you don't listen to the sound track. Grab some headphones and tune in, because life isn't always something you view through a set of goalposts.
Aquarius: Remember that really important thing you were supposed to do yesterday? Yeah, so does someone else. Make a few fast phone calls and set things right before you end up as yesterday's news, too.
Pisces: You may want the world's biggest chocolate bar, but the truth is, you can only handle a few Hershey's Kisses per day. Make more room in your basket, then slap on that red riding hood and go share.
Copyright Beth Bartlett, 2009
Visit Beth at www.wisecrackzodiac.com.