Aries: Not every question can be answered with a boot to the head; some questions require a wiffle ball to the groin. Step up to the plate for your helping of cosmic knowledge.
Taurus: There's more to life than weekend marathons of Molly Ringwald movies; brave the pollen this week and get out there; you might even meet your own adorable yet spunky redhead. Or you could just find a good yard sale. Either way, you win.
Gemini: You've slipped into your tap shoes and danced all around a big subject, but someone isn't falling for your big finish. They'll wash their jazz hands of you unless you come clean and face the music.
Cancer: There's a tough fix ahead of you, but don't worry, you have a good wrench in your hand. Tighten your lugs, but don't try to bolt, because someone else is holding your nuts.
Leo: You'll find few adventures on the well-worn path; keep forging ahead with that machete, the jungle will clear soon. If you do find treasures in a forgotten city, watch out for giant balls. And snakes.
Virgo: Chill out, baby, because you're the refrigerator of love; every tacky magnet and crudely drawn character will be stuck to you this week. Try to tone down your natural attraction before the post-it notes show up.
Libra: You've finally got a dollar in your pocket, but the ice cream truck just speeds past. Time to think outside the frosty box; a well-placed nail will slow down those treats. While you're there, do something about that annoying music, too -- Led Zeppelin beats "Pop Goes the Weasel" any day.
Scorpio: That toned body may be a weapon of mass seduction, but your mind missile remains stuck in the silo. Upgrade your moves before you get knocked out by a smart bombshell.
Sagittarius: You can't judge a book by its cover, but some people are pop-up volumes with big, easy lettering. Sort out your library this week, and spend some time with a friend who challenges your thinking.
Capricorn: Feeling toasty? Hang in there! You can stand the heat in any kitchen; you're a tough cookie, and you won't crumble because of a few nuts in the recipe.
Aquarius: Trying to get yourself up-to-date with the latest tech? Get some help, because your headphone jack is stuffed into a pea pod, not an iPod. Seek out the geeks who walk among us, and you'll be tuned in and Tweeting in no time.
Pisces: This week, the universe has a substitute teacher and it's pop quiz time! Grab that pencil and stay cool, because the teacher's book with all the answers is under your desk.
Copyright Beth Bartlett, 2009
Visit Beth at www.wisecrackzodiac.com.