Taurus: As the master of the deal, you should realize that not everything cheap is a bargain, especially when it comes to love or life insurance. Pass on a fiery encounter, and you won't burn holes in your pocket paying out for both.
Gemini: It doesn't take a Vulcan mind meld for you to see someone else's side of things this week; just keep your pointy ears open. Also keep any "I told you so" comments to yourself because it's very hard to remove an active phaser from your fun zone.
Cancer: Usually, you like to sleep in, but the anticipation of something wonderful has you getting up early enough to see God wandering around in his boxers, making coffee. Just avert your eyes from the Almighty Knobby Knees, and you'll be fine.
Leo: A mind is a terrible thing to waste, so use the Club on yours while you're wandering around without it, or you could just come back to your senses and face an empty mental parking spot.
Virgo: Ah, sweet victory! Be gracious about your win; playing "We Are The Champions" on your cell phone whenever you enter a room will only make your office supplies disappear.
Libra: Love is in the cards this week, and you're looking for a sweet ace to deal a few hands your way. You can go for a Queen or a King, but don't pass up a Joker; somebody that limber and carrying toys could show you a good time in spades.
Scorpio: The cream has curdled in your long, dark teatime of the soul, but don't panic; handle your dirk gently and you won't need a hitchhiker's guide. You'll already be part of the "in" crowd at the core of the cosmic joke.
Sagittarius: Your fame and fortune are secured when you up the stakes on reality shows, and simply poke annoying celebrities with sharp sticks on national television. Be careful spearing Paris Hilton, though; she's worked enough poles to fall off any kebab.
Capricorn: Your week is a triple-dip sundae, and Friday is the cherry on top. Grab a spoon and dig in, because something this yummy can't be good for you.
Aquarius: Pursuing your dream is great, but you're like a tornado chaser on a back road; eventually you're going to hit a bluff or a farmer. Keep reading those road maps, because bluffs don't carry shotguns, but miffed farmers do.
Pisces: You believe in going with the flow, but someone's turned the faucet on full blast. Paddle faster, and wait it out; the universal water pressure will slack off soon.
Copyright Beth Bartlett, 2009
Visit Beth at www.wisecrackzodiac.com.