Our of Arkansas

Motorcycles are an enjoyable and purposeful machine when operated properly. What makes them noisy is when riders illegally remove or modify the muffler tailpipe to make it louder.

The rationale is that loud pipes attract the attention of distracted motorists on the road, but the real reason is to make more noise. If it were truly a safety issue, bikers across America would tape the horn to continuously honk, set their do-rags on fire, and drive naked.

The issue is not safety, it's attention, and these bikers cruise along with the wind in their hair, the bugs in their teeth, a babe on the back, showcasing, looking around for see-me-I'm-so-cool attention.

When they blow into our town, like a lot of towns, we roll toes up while they run over us. The quiet bikers, the ones who ride for fun and incredible gas mileage, also come to town, but we don't hear them because they have legal mufflers. All across the country quiet bikers try to avoid the illegal straight-pipe bikers, who are giving them a bad reputation.

Do we really want the kind of noise that would run off the quiet biker trade? What kind of town are we?

The city doesn't even have a motorcycle noise ordinance, but it has adopted "all criminal statutes of the state relating to misdemeanors ..." including State of Arkansas 5-71-207 Disorderly Conduct:

(a) "A person commits the offense of disorderly conduct if, with the purpose to cause public inconvenience, annoyance, or alarm or recklessly creating a risk thereof, he:

✓ (1) Engages in fighting or in violent, threatening, or tumultuous [noisy and unrestrained] behavior;

✓ (2) Makes unreasonable or excessive noise; or

✓ (3) In a public place, uses abusive or obscene language, or makes an obscene gesture, in a manner likely to provoke a violent or disorderly response; or

✓ (4) Disrupts or disturbs any lawful assembly or meeting of persons [like trying to hear music]; or

✓ (5) Obstructs vehicular or pedestrian traffic; or

✓ (6) Congregates with two other persons in a public place and refuses to comply with a lawful order to disperse of a law enforcement officer or other person engaged in enforcing or executing laws; or

✓ (7) Creates a hazardous or physically offensive condition [Do you really like your ears ringing for hours?]; or

✓ (8) In a public place, mars, defiles, desecrates, or otherwise damages a patriotic or religious symbol that is an object of respect by the public or a substantial segment thereof [Don't we all pray for peace and quiet?]; or

✓ (9) In a public place, exposes his private parts. [Do their black leather trousers really need a bulls-eye between the legs?]

(b) Disorderly conduct is a Class C misdemeanor."

Apparently, the sky is dark with checkmarks indicating that these kinds of bikers could be caught by the ear and trained economically about the good manners they were supposed to learn by the third grade.

There is an argument about how difficult it is to make disorderly conduct stick. Well, there is some justice about their having to ride back to Eureka, spend a night in a motel, eat and drink and then show up in court to appeal. Win or not, we win.

What if they just ignore the ticket? Well, they are in the computer as having outstanding warrants, and if they show up again, we can tow the bike and keep it until they pay yet more money, another clear win for us.

The least we can do is what LBJ did: He asked his campaign manager to spread the word that his opponent was having sex with cattle. The manager wilted, saying, "I can't do that. It's not true." And LBJ said, "Yeah, I know that, but I just want to hear him deny it."