Wisecrack Zodiak

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Aries: If you're not asking for whom the bell tolls, you need some louder ringtones on your cell phone. Think less Hemingway, more Metallica, or set your phone to vibrate; a better day will be buzzing soon.

Taurus: You've looked under the hood and kicked the tires, but is this an opportunity you can cruise with, or will it leave you stranded on the interstate? If you don't take a test drive, at least buy some good walking shoes.

Gemini: Not every adventure is worthy of a novel; some shouldn't even see the fluorescent light of day on a bathroom wall, so think twice about posting your trip to the grocery store on Twitter. Only your momma cares that you're eating more fiber.

Cancer: Drop the goth vibes and lighten up; if you could stop the world and get off, you'd just end up fixing a broken toilet on the space station. Sure, spacewalks are great, but not everything that floats in zero gravity is cool.

Leo: Someone brings a task only you can complete; it doesn't matter whether you're a secret-squirrel spy or just the one who can fix the photocopier, your style, skills and a little bit of plumber's crack will show through.

Virgo: Whatever you're worrying about right now, stop it. Just like your junior prom date, life is too short and grabs you in all the wrong places. Keep dancing, and eventually the band will play some Skynyrd.

Libra: Not everyone walks tall on their first try; if you have big shoes to fill, stuff them with a newspaper until you grow into the job, or hire a hobbit to rattle around in your Reeboks for a while.

Scorpio: Living on the edge is exciting, until you stumble to the bathroom in the night and tumble off a cliff. Pull back and get grounded, because someone's throwing banana peels in your path.

Sagittarius: You can catch more flies with honey, but who wants sticky pests? Just be yourself; oddballs are always appreciated, especially on the Internet.

Capricorn: You can't chase love with a taser and tequila; enjoy some alone time, before an entire gender gets a restraining order. The right one will come along; if they don't, you still have the tequila.

Aquarius: Some days you paint the canvas with a single hair, and other days you use the fire hose. Which method you use is up to you, just give fair warning to innocent bystanders if you're turning up the pressure.

Pisces: All the tools you need are at your feet, now find a tool belt that won't over-expose your Underoos. Slap on a hard hat and grab that nail gun, because it's time to build a better life.