Out of Arkansas - Thanksweemas

We are such a special little town, or so we think, but somehow we've managed to position ourselves with malls, gated-community mentality, discount shops, ghost tours, condo projects, concrete sidewalks, transient flea markets, used car lots, billboards, loud motorcycles, two-headed parking meters and simple-minded street signs so clustered no one has a chance to read them, except for the cheesy mall flags along Planner Hill that point to downtown regardless of which way you're driving, up or down. And all of this can be seen between McDonald's and Spring Street, which as a metaphor is enough said.

This year we have, maybe, led the big box malls by being first to tout Christmas weeks before Halloween. Next year we can, with one stroke, cream the entire competition in jumping the holidays gun by simply balling together Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas in one day: Thanksweemas will be the retail shot heard 'round the world.

Think about it. We, a small, formerly special little town can tell the world, "Come to Eureka Springs and Get It Over With." We can be first to say, suck the candy, eat the big bird and sing Silent Night until the cows come home. (Cows will be provided.)

We can advertise a three-in-one holiday festival. The keys to this one-night stand are geezers, Granny and Papa. Focus on them, because they are the ones who have to suffer the indignity of other peoples' grandchildren storming their house, grabbing hands full of Social Security income candy without a thank you, and they are the ones whose grown sons are spilling beer and gravy on a newish sofa screaming foul at the TV football game while the wives are trying to prove their kids aren't rotten, just tired and they are the ones left with concrete smiles immediately after the Christmas presents are opened and ignored, if not whined about, and they are the ones who finally shovel out the carnage, clean the sofa, sit down on it and the wrapping paper with a sigh, "Bless the powers that be for Thanksweemas, it only comes once a year."