Wisecrack Zodiac

Aries: Being snowbound has sparked your creativity, and you're making more bizarre dreams come true than Wile E. Coyote with an ACME credit card. Don't let the universe hold you back; the world's been waiting for a grape-flavored exploding remote control.

Taurus: Not saying you're lonely, but the entire PTA is on your lawn with hair dryers melting that snow orgy you created. If eHarmony doesn't work, try eGet-Out-of-the-House and meet someone before those mad mothers come after you.

Gemini: You're a retro beat in a screeching pop world, so keep that Sinatra swagger up front; someone just might swoon in your general direction. Or fart. Depends if they're into doo-be-doo-be-doo or dead parrots.

Cancer: You light up every room you enter, and shock those closest to you. Invest in some anti-static spray before you become known as the "Human Defibrillator."

Leo: You've been in such a foul mood, even Mary Poppins would take a swing at you. Look down for little blessings like early spring flowers and lucky pennies; if you duck often enough, she might miss your pointy head.

Virgo: Sticking with a method is fine, but you've worked one angle so much, it's suing for overtime pay. Take a fresh approach with a new situation and avoid lawyers for a while.

Libra: There's nothing new under the sun, but you've done a few things after dark to make the moon look twice. Cancel your order for a case of strawberry jam, five balloons and 42 lizards, and mellow out.

Scorpio: If life was fair, you wouldn't look nearly as goofy or you would have more money to make up for it. Quit trying to bully karma for a better life, and be glad you're waking up every morning. Extra points if you're turning over and seeing someone hot.

Sagittarius: You know what they say about teaching a pig to sing; it makes a fool out of you, and the pig wins big money on one of those funny clip shows. Just send the oinker off to American Idol and after Simon's done, you can bring home the bacon.

Capricorn: You want to finish up an old project, but it's like dating Iron Man in a rainstorm; things are rusty and you might break off more than you can handle. Prepare yourself with the oil of organization, and you should glide right along.

Aquarius: If turning the other cheek only leaves you with handprints on both sides of your butt, it's time to pull on the chaps, pilgrim, and walk like the Duke. If nothing else, you'll be harder to hit.

Pisces: The sky isn't always falling; sometimes that whack on your head is just from a bird that ate a bad burrito. Take it in stride and buy some better cardinal chow.