Wisecrack Zodiac

Aries: A star will zoom past this week, giving you good fortune and a few scorched trees. Ignore people running and screaming about killer asteroids; just go out to the crater and pick up your new lucky charm. OK, let it cool down first.

Taurus: Avoid wormholes and time machines this week. If you knew then what you know now, it wouldn't help. You've forgotten half of what you know anyway, so all you would take back are the lyrics to every Kenny Rogers song and how to get tequila stains out of boxer shorts.

Gemini: Your spring cleaning urge turns into a new career as a rehab consultant when you make Paris Hilton seem fresh and new after a scrubbing with some Comet and one of those "Sanitized for Your Protection" banners.

Cancer: Don't stick your finger in the cosmic electrical outlet and expect the universe to come running to your aid. Karma still spanks, and it has a mighty big paddle.

Leo: Not every light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train; sometimes it's just a monkey on a skateboard with a flashlight. Throw him a banana and quit hanging around the wrong side of the tracks.

Virgo: Leave those sweatpants on for a while longer this spring; until you get some exercise, the only way you're bringing sexy back is if you grab Justin Timberlake and stuff him into the minivan.

Libra: You've become the MythBusters of drama; you can take any situation and make it explode. Think things through, or next time your friends won't clean up all the diva shrapnel.

Scorpio: If you find yourself in a pickle, something has gone drastically awry with your picnic lunch plans. You may have to pucker up to a few gherkins before you work your way out of the barrel.

Sagittarius: Stick to the truth Tuesday, because you're more transparent than a naked politician encased in Saran Wrap. A steady diet of little white lies will show up as some big, ugly bulges, and you won't be able to cover your butt.

Capricorn: Every time you see a bright spot in your future, it disappears. Instead of running head-first into walls, turn around and find out who's holding the laser cat toy; don't worry, you can pee in their shoe later.

Aquarius: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink unless you mix it with a little scotch first. Be a friend; pick up the tab and smack the first bartender who asks about a long face.

Pisces: When you finally catch that leprechaun, don't count on a pot of gold. In this economy, you'll only score a free beer and a Home Depot gift card.