Aries: If you get your hands dirty but keep your nose clean, you're either doing something right or you have a tiny bottle of hand sanitizer in your back pocket. Stock up, because there's a lot of hard work ahead.
Taurus: Go through life thinking you know all the answers, and the universe will just bump you up to a harder level in the game. Quit looking for cheat codes and enjoy the mystery for a while.
Gemini: You've been screwed around more than a zombie caught in a light socket. Get out of a bad commitment before someone throws the switch.
Cancer: Sometimes there's a kernel of good luck in the middle of that crapola cupcake, but that doesn't mean you have to eat it to find your fortune. Get a stick or bribe a kid to reach in there.
Leo: Some days you get a headlock, other days you get a golf clap. While you may not always get the feedback you wanted, at least someone's listening. A few pins in their chair will give you the standing ovation you crave.
Virgo: You may have a chain on your wallet, but your heart is just perching there on your sleeve. Get some Velcro, glue stick or a staple gun; otherwise, you'll be putting up "Lost" posters all over town.
Libra: Not everyone can run with the best and the brightest. Someone has to be friends with a crayon-eater and the guy who lights his farts on YouTube. Keep your friends around, because they're not smart enough to run when you ask them to help you move.
Scorpio: Find the beauty in every day, like your nasty co-worker spilling coffee on her blouse, or they guy who stole your parking space getting a flat tire. Not that you have anything to do with these random moments. Nope, not at all.
Capricorn: Laugh and the world laughs with you; scream in the middle of Walmart and you get a free mental exam and a night's stay in the looney bin. At least the straitjackets go with the pajamas you wore into the store.
Aquarius: Following your heart this week is like giving yourself a bikini wax with papier mâché: it's messy and will be hard in all the wrong places. Do a little research before you turn your junk into a birthday piñata.
Pisces: The journey of a lifetime may begin with a single step, but there's nothing in the rulebooks about hitching a ride with some sweetie in a convertible. You've pounded the pavement long enough. It's time to ride in style.