Taurus: What's tougher than a rock and a hard place? Quicksand. Quit flailing around and use your mental Viagra, because once you dig out of this pit, you'll face some stiff competition.
Gemini: You're in the eye of the hurricane this week, and things still seem foggy and out-of-focus. Trust you to find the only natural disaster that requires contact lenses.
Cancer: Not every open door is an opportunity; check to see what's inside before you end up walking in while someone's on the toilet. Forget about embarrassing them, that experience will put you off chili for a month.
Leo: You've climbed the corporate ladder so fast, you're catching up to the guys who add the rungs. Give them a $20 and tell them to take a break, because you're just going to walk on the clouds for a while.
Virgo: You're re-energized for the challenges ahead. Too bad you're set for American outlets and your situation requires British power. Next time, just convert to wind power, because every country has plenty of hot air if you turn on the TV.
Libra: Do you know what your problem is? If not, there's at least five people standing nearby who will be thrilled to tell you. Tell them to taking a flying leap out of a closed window, because right now things are good.
Scorpio: To make an omelet you have to break a few eggs. Unfortunately, you're squaring off against one mad henhouse. You'd better soothe those ruffled feathers before they gang up on you and call you a dumbcluck.
Sagittarius: Life isn't always about the good times, no matter what the sitcoms say. Sometimes the universe just wants to know how you'll handle the bad. Put on those oven mitts and serve up your troubles ranchero-style, with beans.
Capricorn: You're about as hip as a pair of parachute pants, but you still have a few moves. Lay down the Hammer and don't hurt 'em if they want to touch this. They know they can't.
Aquarius: It's all fun and games this week until someone finds an eye. Then it really gets fun with a wicked game of "I Spy" until the zombies stagger in. Who knew they were so possessive of detachable body parts?
Pisces: The world is your playground, and you've spent way too many hours on the seesaw. Rest your saddle sores and go dangle from the monkey bars for a while, that's where all the cool apes hang out.