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Monday, Sep. 1, 2014

Wisecrack Zodiac

Thursday, June 28, 2012

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Aries: Your luck will change on Tuesday. If life has been sucky lately, good news! But if things have been going well, sorry dude. There's also the chance that at this point in your life, you won't know the difference.

Taurus: Keep track of your cellphone, because you will buttdial someone this weekend. By next week, your left cheek will be in a relationship, but there's no guarantees the honey will like the rest of you.

Gemini: All your ideas are great this week, even that one involving the hang glider and a jar of pickles. Fly straight and true and keep your knees together, because anything is possible.

Cancer: A rare beam of sunlight scorches its way into your dark corner on Friday. You may not be used to the brightness, so grab some SPF 50 for the soul and soak in some rays while it lasts.

Leo: Sometimes you need to step back from a situation, other times you should just run away screaming. Clear your throat, because loud and fast is the only way to get out of this. It will also scare the monkeys so they won't follow you.

Virgo: Desperate times call for desperate measures, and nothing is more desperate than cup. Use it wisely, though. If your cup runneth over, you'll have to start from scratch again.

Libra: People are used to the quiet beauty in everything you do, so that high-pitched screeching noise will surprise them on Thursday. You sound like you need new brakes or you have fighting wombats in your hair. Either way, folks will leave you alone.

Scorpio: Kindness can go a long way in smoothing over that big mistake. Do it again, however, and not even Mother Teresa could spring your butt from that sling. Watch your "p"s, your "q"s, and definitely keep track of your "f"s and "u"s.

Sagittarius: You know what you want out of life, why are you waiting for the universe to drop it at your feet in a gift bag? Find the perfect fit, size and color for yourself so you won't have to wait in line to exchange it.

Capricorn: You are the apple of someone's eye, but to another person, you're just a zucchini left over from the garden. Don't pout while rotting on the vine, go prove to them that you're better when fresh and tangy.

Aquarius: Some people find their place in the universe, others have to make it. Grab your pickaxe and make your own divot in the topsoil. Not only can you carve out your own niche, you can add a spare room for company if you want.

Pisces: Find harmony in your world. If Harmony has the day off, find Ralph. He has the master keys to everything, plus he knows how to change the thermostat.