Wisecrack Zodiac from July 5
Aries: If a dark cloud appears overhead, enjoy the shade. You've been in the limelight so long, your skin is getting leathery. Soak up some quiet, some moisture and a little aloe vera if you can.
Taurus: It may be true you can't find your butt with a GPS device and a monkey pointing the way, but look at it this way: you always have a challenge ahead of you.
Gemini: Some people are Sudoku puzzles, but you're a word seek on a pizza parlor kids' mat: easy to solve, fun to read and you usually have food or crayons stuck to you at any given time.
Cancer: The best things in life are free, but if you screw it up, they come with alimony payments and restraining orders. Be cautious on Thursday, because you really don't need any more paperwork.
Leo: Every great journey begins with a single step, unless you've hired a Maori wrestler to carry you. Give him frequent water breaks and occasionally hop down and run in the grass, just to make sure your own feet still work.
Virgo: Nothing is impossible for you this week. If you don't like walking off into the sunset, change sunsets. We hear Mars is perfect for when you're feeling blue. And Uranus? Hey, we're not touching that.
Libra: If you put your mind to it, you can do great things, but if you put your back into it, you can vacuum under the couch. Only one can give you a sense of accomplishment by 4 p.m.
Scorpio: No man is ever so great as when he stoops to help a child. But if he's smart, he'll wear shin guards, because that little terror will kick him to the bone. Better wear a cup on Friday, too.
Sagittarius: Smile and the world wonders what you're up to; laugh uncontrollably, and they'll peg you as a supervillain. The laugh's on them, though: you're the one with the sweet volcano hangout.
Capricorn: You'll confuse everyone on Saturday if you wear a tinfoil hat and buy the whole bar a round of beer. Extra points if you carry a towel.
Aquarius: You'll be exposed to ridicule if you wear those pants on Monday. You'll also be exposed to intense UV rays, so put some sunscreen on those butt cheeks.
Pisces: Life is like a carousel: one minute you're up, next minute you're down, but most of the time you're just waiting for the repairman. Hang onto your gearbox, sweetie, because this week will be a fun ride.