Wisecrack Zodiac, July 19 edition
Aries: Life is what you make of it, but sometimes you have to admit you're a lousy cook. Keep it simple this week, so you don't have to repaint the kitchen again.
Taurus: It's fine to let someone probe the depths of your soul, as long as they don't go all alien on your butt. Wear some form-fitting tighty-whities so no one can get their tool too close to your X-File zone.
Gemini: The Twins feel like playing a little "Freaky Friday" this week. The problem? Two personalities, one body, no waiting. Expect to wake up in some strange places on Saturday.
Cancer: Some days you should come with a warning label. Other days, that would just spoil all the fun. The Universe will let you decide which kind of day you'll have on Wednesday. Remember to take your camera.
Leo: No light shines as brilliantly as the eyes of a woman in love, but you still can't read by it. Tell her to get some sleep and get yourself a lamp.
Virgo: You can't always be the superhero; sometimes you're the sidekick who carries change for the parking meter so the Batmobile doesn't get towed. Again. Make sure you have that roll of quarters on Monday.
Libra: There's no solving your problems with alcohol, but a chocolate martini will get the equation buzzed enough to quit worrying about that pesky "x" for a little while. Tomorrow you can get to the square root of the problem.
Scorpio: If a pretty girl is like a symphony, you're more like a hillbilly jug band. Don't worry, when Saturday night rolls around, you'll have the right audience.
Sagittarius: Just when you think you have all the answers, you discover they came out of a Spongebob Squarepants puzzle book. At least the knock-knock jokes will get you some respect with six-year-olds and your brother-in-law.
Capricorn: You can give it all you have to make those dreams come true, but you'll likely end up with nothing but a broken stepstool, a torn sparkly vest and a disappointed monkey. Scale that vision back a bit, and stock up on bananas.
Aquarius: You're worried about the new guy being a snake in the grass, but you should be more concerned with the snake in his pants. Is that a boa constrictor or what? Frisk him and find out. It's your civic duty.
Pisces: You've had so many close calls with stardom, you have sideswiped glitter in some very odd places. You'll get another chance to trade paint with fame and this time, grab hold of the bumper and hang on.