Wisecrack Zodiac, Aug. 9 edition
Aries: Wondering about your toxic relationship? The hazmat team will answer your questions when they drop by Friday and slap a scary-looking sticker on your butt. Read the pamphlet they give you, because there are things baking soda and vinegar just can't fix.
Taurus: In every life a little rain must fall, but you've been in the swamp so long, you're attracting frogs. Don't kiss any of them, just keep wading until you hit dry land.
Gemini: Quit waiting to spot the end of the rainbow to score your fortune. If the leprechaun has to star in horrible movies and shill cereal, how much cash do you think he has left? Find a job, and maybe send a little money to Lucky Charms boy when you can.
Cancer: Each new day is like a clean Etch-A-Sketch, just waiting for your crappy staircase drawing. Try something different today and carefully draw a circle. Go on, it's not likely to be vicious.
Leo: Usually there's a simple elegance in everything you do, but lately your life looks like it was drawn by third-graders hopped up on Red Bull and Mountain Dew. Take a break and find the grace before you get a crayon in the ear.
Virgo: No one expects you to be the best. Frankly, if you do hit perfection, it just depresses the crap out of everyone. Stay mediocre and you'll always have company.
Libra: It takes more than a superhero cape to make you special. You'll need a mask, too. Maybe some boots. You'll also need lots and lots of Spanx. Just don't sneeze, or you'll take out someone's eyeball.
Scorpio: Something you want isn't in the cards, but it could be in that old Clue game in the closet. Pat down Professor Plum and you'll end up with a surprise.
Sagittarius: What you need is a few days off with little umbrella drinks and a glistening pool boy. What you're going to get is a few extra shifts because everyone's on vacation. Hey, at least you'll have a few extra bucks to stick in the pool boy's waistband.
Capricorn: There's more to life than work, microwave dinners and Saturday night beer. There's also bowling. Maybe you should get out of your rut before you need a pit diving crew to find you. If you stay there much longer, you'll need flares.
Aquarius: You'll become rich when you invent the emergency cookie batter dispenser and install it by dressing rooms and therapists' offices everywhere. But you can only get there if you quit eating all the stock. Put down the tube of cookies.
Pisces: Usually you run from decisions like a sparkly vampire running from a mob of soccer moms, but you'll have to make a choice this week. Don't worry, this won't happen often.