Aries: Your relationship with a particularly robust carrot will result in some time on the therapist's couch discussing your mother. Remember, you can love to garden, but you shouldn't love what's in your garden. Or, at least, not THAT much.
Taurus: A pack of wild garden gnomes steal all your underwear, and use them to sail their Viking bird bath flotilla to conquer an all-girls summer camp. You will be contacted in the official police inquiry.
Gemini: A sudden burst of energy will grab you on Tuesday; you'll either clean the toilet or go windsurfing. Both options will make waves in crystal blue water.
Cancer: Tuesday sings with fairy wings, but it makes a Zzzt! sound when it hits the bug zapper. Maybe you should dial down the power before your whole weekend gets stuck in there.
Leo: Not everyone can be as fabulous as you, but people seem to be offended by your offer of free lessons. Do what the pros do: slap 'em on the Internet for $39.95 and the suckers, er, followers, will line up.
Virgo: Tired of success never showing up in your cards? Ask the universe to show you some moves; at the next poker game, you just might have an ace up your own sleeve.
Libra: One good thing about treading water for so long; you have some incredible leg strength. When your toes touch ground Tuesday, climb ashore and kick someone's ass until they notice you.
Scorpio: You're filled with chutzpah and panache, but don't worry, a few doses of heavy-duty cough syrup will clear that right out. Try to get the old-school kind with alcohol; it makes your co-workers much more interesting.
Sagittarius: No fluffy fortune cookie will predict your mood this week; it will take Magic 8-Balls of Steel to deal with what's coming your way. Good thing you have Chuck Norris on speed dial, right?
Capricorn: On Monday, you'll be like a pan of Jiffy Pop: someone keeps turning up the heat to get a rise out of you. They shouldn't be surprised when you blow your top, but you could lose some kernels when they drop you like you're hot.
Aquarius: Lonely? Calling 911 and reporting a wild badger gnawing your face is not a good way to meet people. Get out there and meet someone the old-fashioned way: run over some toes with your grocery cart.
Pisces: You're feeling silly, but don't apologize for that. Many important people have been silly, they just haven't had the manners to admit it. When the nightcrawlers who say "NI!" show up at your door, invite them in for tea.