Aries: When the universe throws you the ball, grab it and run toward the goal. Don't worry if you score for the other team; at least you'll get an "Awww" from the audience for trying your best. Unless, of course, you're a grown-ass person. Then you'll be smacked in the head with soda cups.
Taurus: Your conscience and your secret desires are clashing so hard, you'll experience some emotional chafing. Air out those problems before you start thinking funny and need medicated powder for your brain.
Gemini: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but they definitely see you coming in that outfit. One of you has spent a little too much time on the rack. Next time, seek professional help with your retail therapy.
Cancer: You'll receive a message from beyond on Thursday. It will likely be from your mother-in-law, who's beyond reason. Set your crystal ball to voicemail, and you'll be fine.
Leo: Some are born to lead, others are born to follow, and a few exist just to drive slowly and make you late for work. Take a deep breath and relax. You can't let your head explode now, you just had the car detailed.
Virgo: Feeling dizzy, disoriented and a little nauseated? There's a reason it's called "falling" in love; mainly because the feeling closely resembles taking a header down the stairs. Bubble-wrap your heart before it's too late.
Libra: What you do with the chicken is your business, but if you're going to dress it up in a French maid outfit, forget the tiny feather duster. That's just humiliating.
Scorpio: You have the chance to impress someone important on Friday. Bide your time, and know when to keep your fly and your lip zipped. There will be time later to let both run free.
Sagittarius: Playing games with the universe? You'll be lucky if you only lose half your pieces, the dog swallows one of the dice and someone vomits on the board. Challenge karma to a hand of cards instead.
Capricorn: If you're tired of getting your kite stuck in a tree, tie your string to something a little more substantial. An F-15 Eagle would be about right, and your loved ones would enjoy the vacation from your whining.
Aquarius: You're old enough to know that life doesn't give you lemons. It enrolls you in a fruit-of-the-month club, double-charges you for Tanzanian sunrise oranges, and then presents you with lemons. Consider yourself lucky; some folks just receive an expired packet of lemon juice.
Pisces: Achieving your dreams is easy: that just requires a full classroom, you and your underwear. Reaching goals takes a bit more work and far less social anxiety medication afterward. It's your choice.