Aries: You can teach an old dog new tricks, but that won't keep him from sniffing someone else's butt. If you truly want to keep his nose clean, get a leash.
Taurus: There's a big opportunity coming up, but you'll have to take a risk to get it. Remember to jump on the trampoline with your feet together, and don't get your head stuck in the tree. Failure may be hilarious, but success would be a welcome change.
Gemini: Sometimes joy is like the prize in a Cracker Jack box: it gets smaller as the years go by. Get ready for a retro shot of awesomeness on Friday, because what you pull out of the popcorn will be worth its weight in gold.
Cancer: Consider Thursday a bacon-wrapped hug from the universe, dangling with cupcakes and telling you that you look like you've lost weight. Yes, it will be that good.
Leo: You have no problem lighting up the world, but people would appreciate it if you installed a dimmer switch. It's hard to sleep next to a 100-watt disco ball, especially if there's no Lady Gaga music involved.
Virgo: Quit looking for a sign from the universe; sometimes all you need is a postcard from your own brain. Clean out that mental mailbox and toss those old issues of the Weekly World News so the message can get through.
Libra: Nothing says "I care" like an exquisitely handcrafted piece of diamond jewelry. Thankfully, you don't care that much, so just send a muffin basket and an envelope of temporary tattoos. It's the thought that almost counts.
Scorpio: You can't always be the good guy, but you don't have to twirl your mustache and look for train tracks, either. Aim for "slightly deranged hipster" and you should hit the mark. Don't stand still, though: there are other folks aiming for hipsters, too.
Sagittarius: There's nothing in this world that can't be fixed with good food, good wine and good pharmaceuticals. If you can't swing that, you might as well have Thanksgiving dinner with your family.
Capricorn: Keep following the path you're on and you'll be like a penguin in a Speedo: odd and unnecessary. Ditch the butt floss and see if there's any spare dignity on the rack in your size.
Aquarius: Part of being fabulous is embracing your flaws. Does anyone give Chuck Norris crap about that hair? Not to his face, they don't. Be who you are, ferret ears, big feet and all. Work it, baby!
Pisces: Sometimes you don't need the key to life to be happy, all you need is a good set of lock picks or know which window universe leaves unlocked. A car hanger works too, if you left your inner joy running and accidentally shut the door.