Aries: Life can't be defined by the bright shining moments. The times when you stub your toe in the dark and hop around on one foot until you find the spilled Legos, that's when you learn something. Get ready for some knowledge on Thursday.
Taurus: What needs to be done and what you can get away with are two separate levels, but on Wednesday you'll have to suck it up and do your job. Don't worry, Bravo TV will still be there when you're done.
Gemini: You've always done well on the kicking butt section, but you're a little iffy on the taking names portion. Either get an assistant or quit sending personalized get-well cards afterward.
Cancer: Lately you've treated your sex appeal like a quart of Ben & Jerry's left in the closet: it's a great thing gone to waste, and now the carpet is kinda sticky. Steam-vac yourself and work that mojo. Someone's got a spoon and is ready to scoop you up.
Leo: If you can't be the best this week, strive to be the weird kid in the corner. Sometimes just being remembered is enough to make you noteworthy, just don't over-do the body piercings, or you'll whistle in the wind.
Virgo: Not everything is about you, but you're starting to think perhaps it should be. Step back for a moment before you go full-on diva, because maintaining that drama queen status requires focus, commitment and no weekends off.
Libra: It may take a grizzled prospector and two pick-axes to bring out the best in you, but there is a heart of gold in there. Once you find it, try not to pawn it for jewelry or a new X-box.
Scorpio: You're about to receive a lot of compliments and kudos for your hard work. Take them in stride, otherwise your ego will inflate so fast, it could be used as a annoying balloon outside a car dealership.
Sagittarius: You will receive a surprise in the mail on Friday. Stay calm, you probably aren't a winner, but at least you can get a good discount on some naughty magazines.
Capricorn: Relax. There's nothing wrong with you that a day off, a raise, and a complete personality makeover can't fix. Until that happens, go ahead and wear your tin foil hat just so people are properly warned.
Aquarius: You've been going to your happy place so much, you have a permanent seat on the bus. Stop the commute and live in this reality for a while; you can trade in those frequent traveler miles for a new outlook.
Pisces: Drawing fine lines between emotions isn't for you; your lines look like they were drawn by a chicken on crack. Quit allowing yourself to be defined by someone else's brush and paint your own bizarre pictures.