Aries: Looks like the Mayans were wrong, so put your pants back on, apologize to that busload of nuns and beg your boss to re-hire you. Your resolution for 2013? Don't take advice from long-gone civilizations, including Atlantis, ancient Egyptians and little gray aliens.
Taurus: Your will to lose weight starts off great until you walk into the back bedroom where you've hoarded 34 boxes of Twinkies. If you ever want to see that size 6 butt again, sell those suckers on eBay fast.
Gemini: Although Christmas is done, you still have one more gift coming to you. No, it's not a pony, but it could be that extra bit of luck to get you through the winter months.
Cancer: When you finally wake up on Wednesday, you'll notice two things: there's now a toolbox and spray paint on your nightstand, and your Facebook relationship status has been updated to: Squealed Like a Pig. Next New Year's Eve, don't toast with EverClear.
Leo: Just your luck, you get the one lemming who refuses to tumble over the edge. Thank goodness it's the one that does your taxes, otherwise there would be a lot of ramen noodles waiting for you at the bottom of the fiscal cliff.
Virgo: Today is a fresh day in a bright, shiny new year. Try to fake a better personality for a while, just to see what it feels like. No worries if it doesn't fit: your dirty gym sock of an outlook is still waiting for you.
Libra: The beauty of life isn't in the telling, it's in the sharing, which is why you should wear a face mask for a couple of weeks until everyone quits coughing on you. Remember, nothing says "personal space" like a blast of Lysol in the face.
Scorpio: You've survived Black Friday, Cyber Monday and the Christmas Eve Crunch. Now you have something truly important to enjoy: after-Christmas sales! Perhaps next year you and the family can just celebrate the holidays while in the checkout line.
Sagittarius: Even though you have the best of intentions with your resolutions, remember to take it easy. If you run too fast in that track suit, you'll be slapping around more than Zsa Zsa Gabor at a policeman's convention.
Capricorn: Your New Year's parties are legendary, but this time you've outdone yourself. Who knew you could squeeze three reindeer, nine elves and seven drunk starlets into one pop-up tent? Apparently baby oil and egg nog margaritas are terrific icebreakers.
Aquarius: You're looking forward to a better year, and with good reason: 2012 sucked like a tornado in a trailer park. Here's hoping that 2013 will blow you the right way.
Pisces: Sarcasm is a gift that renews itself every single day, especially if you watch TV or talk to your fellow man. Dip into your stash willingly and often, and you'll sail through this new year.