Taurus: It's now 2013, so you can stop writing 1998 on all your checks. The bull is notoriously slow to move, but try to be faster than an arthritic tortoise this year. You can also toss those unused calendars from 1979.
Gemini: Good fortune comes your way on Thursday, so wave at it when it marches past your door and heads straight to your ungrateful neighbor's house. Maybe next time you can pull a Kathy Bates and keep it around, Misery-style.
Cancer: You're only slightly singed after a hot date with a flame-eater on Friday. After you stop, drop and roll, you can honestly say you've stopped smoking for the new year.
Leo: Thanks to a karmic mix-up, you'll get someone else's way, while they get yours. Although you're used to getting your own way all the time, this might be a pleasant change. Not for you, of course, but for those around you.
Virgo: Variety is the spice of life, so think of Saturday as your own personal cinnamon challenge. It looks easy, but it doesn't go down well, and someone's usually videotaping your sputtering performance.
Libra: You don't ask for the best in life, but you would appreciate it if the universe would quit sticking used chewing gum in your hair. Put away the peanut butter, because you're about to get your wish; the gum will now be attached to your shoe.
Scorpio: You may not have substance, but you have style, so expect your 15 minutes of fame to start any day now. Show a little skin and you could stretch that to an hour every week on the E! Network.
Sagittarius: An opportunity comes along and demands that you think on your feet. Stay on your toes and you can nail this. Just be glad they didn't make you think on your brain. That never works.
Capricorn: Nothing says love like old-fashioned home cooking. Better start wooing some sweeties, because one more cheap-asst TV dinner, and you're going to snap. Flirt with anyone watching the Food Network on the display TVs at Walmart.
Aquarius: It's fine to know your limits, but in this case, they're farther away than you think. Keep going; they're way out there, with crop circles and grey aliens joyriding in UFOs.
Pisces: You've had a steady diet of peace, love and harmony. Now you really want a caffeinated jolt of ambition and success. Take small sips. If you have too much, too soon, you'll be jittery and quoting Michael Douglas movies all day.