Taurus: The new year is filled with ups and downs, but you have a saddle and you're ready to ride, thanks to that copy of '50 Shades of Grey' under your Christmas tree. Yee-hah!
Gemini: Something isn't going your way, but don't let the turkeys get you down, especially since they have mean roundhouse kicks and a vicious upper cut. Whip out your ninja fighting skills and you'll have turkey sandwiches for weeks.
Cancer: Chin up, Tuesday will be a brighter day, thanks to that new 12-pack of light bulbs you just bought. Gather all your lamps in one room and pretend you're sunning on the beach. You'll be nice and relaxed until the electric bill comes in.
Leo: The old saying is "Stop and smell the roses," not "mow them down with a weedwhacker." Get more rest, less caffeine, and avoid flower shops for a while. Or at least that one.
Virgo: Not every answer is blowing in the wind. Some are tied up in tree branches, and a few never even left the house. Go back in, make some hot chocolate and put your feet up. Answers tend to skitter out when you least expect it.
Libra: No personal problem is so great that it can't be lightened by laughing at someone else. Chances are you know a few idiots, but if you don't, there's always Lindsay Lohan or Justin Bieber.
Scorpio: Your issue at work will be solved when someone finally figures out where the boss hid that USB drive. Problem is, no one wants to go in and get it. If you have latex gloves and a desire for promotion, this could be your chance.
Sagittarius: Sometimes the world doesn't make any sense; that's why the Universe gave us humor and beer. Toast the unknown and realize your memories are all written on the backs of smudged napkins and stapled to the stars above.
Capricorn: Already given up on your resolutions? Don't consider yourself a failure, just realize you're really good at staying the course. At least your new track suit resists gravy stains.
Aquarius: In truth there is beauty, but that little white lie looks pretty good when it shakes its booty at you. Keep yourself zipped up, because tomorrow morning that cute fib will be a hairy, hungover monster.
Pisces: Multitasking? Please. Just tasking itself doesn't come easy to you. Still, haul yourself up and bake a few pies. If you have a finger in all of them, the sugar rush will keep up your momentum.