Aries: An office-mate is so annoying, you want to slap them like a cheap snooze alarm. Hold the smackdown and just tell them how much the boss enjoys hearing about their grandchildren. Nature will take its course.
Taurus: You're no stranger to the land of love, but it's been awhile since you had your passport stamped. Try some new phrases on this journey, like "Have you lost weight?" and "More wine?"
Gemini: A good magician never tells his secrets, but you have some tricks so awesome, people around the house think you're Gandalf. You can spill the beans if you want, but silence will boost your reputation and make you a love god. So, yeah, keep quiet.
Cancer: Following your dreams sounds nice, until you realize dreams don't come with GPS. Make a plan, plot your trip and tell your dreams to get in the back and watch TV until you reach your destination.
Leo: A life well lived doesn't have to be pedal-to-the-metal, 120 MPH every day. A nice day cruise calms the soul, and it's far easier on your undercarriage if the road gets bumpy. Slow down before you get whacked right in the oil pan.
Virgo: You adore precision. Stopping on a dime? That's for losers; you can pivot on a pixel if needed. Good thing you have skills, because Thursday you may need the turning radius of a crop circle to fix a situation.
Libra: The best-laid plans of mice and men go awry, which is why you never hire rodents as wedding planners or send a male to the mall. On Wednesday, suit up and do a difficult task yourself. It may not end up perfect, but it will get done with a minimum of farting or squeaking.
Scorpio: Tired of feeling crumpled in a corner at the end of the week? On Saturday, you're a clean sheet of paper, and you'll meet someone with the perfect-sized pen. Oh! That tickles.
Sagittarius: Magic is where you find it. So what if your unicorn is someone else's pony who faceplanted on an ice cream cone? Enjoy a few illusions; they often provide some cozy shag carpeting over the cold floor of reality.
Capricorn: Every now and then, you get what you want. Don't consider it a reward from the universe, though. It's mainly to make you lower your guard for the next kick to the crotch. Maybe some of your good fortune should go toward a cup.
Aquarius: Life is a funny thing, packed with puns and knock-knock jokes. On Thursday you'll finally catch one of the punchlines. After the laugh, be prepared to apologize to makers of strawberry jam, some chickens and your high school P.E. coach.
Pisces: Your imagination isn't just overactive, it has ripped abs and buns of steel. You'll have an opportunity to show it off in some form-fitting Daisy Dukes this week, so get ready for the whistles.