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Tuesday, Sep. 2, 2014

Wisecrack Zodiac

Sunday, January 27, 2013

(Photo)
Aries: Good things come in small packages, but let's face it: better things show up in big ones. Put on your back brace and do some warm-ups, because Thursday will bring you something worth carrying awkwardly to the car.

Taurus: Everyone knows you don't get out much, but you should at least lean to one side occasionally so workers can scrape the moss off your butt. The universe will also stick a wild hair up there to get you outside for a change. Wear sunglasses so you don't burst into flames in the sunlight.

Gemini: You dislike your boss now, but it would be even worse if you worked for yourself. Would you pay you to photocopy random office supplies and create dioramas from Spanish soap operas? Exactly. Be thankful for negligent overlords.

Cancer: You may not always have the right words, but those stick people pictures get your point across. Be careful, though; one person's Pictionary champion is another's sexual harassment lawsuit.

Leo: Some days you're the poop, some days you're the scoop. This week, you're the top dog, marking all your favorite territory. If you feel bad for those around you, send them a box of plastic gloves.

Virgo: If you try to play life by the numbers, it will throw you an equation so deep, it looks like a Calculus book exploded in a blender. Deal with the simple problems, and leave the mind-bending math to the universe.

Libra: You've faced some tough nuts before, but this one is particularly hard to crack. Don't worry, you'll figure out how to make your problem vanish on Friday. Just aim that knee right, and the worries will crumple, moan and roll at your feet.

Scorpio: No one said you have to know all the answers, but a couple of basic ones wouldn't hurt. Go ahead, look in the back of the book so you won't sound like a complete moron. Karma grades on a curve, anyway.

Sagittarius: Something will happen on Monday to make you happier than Lance Armstrong in a drugstore. Don't overdo it, though, because Oprah doesn't want to hear your particular apology.

Capricorn: Who says life isn't all about you? Of course it is, silly, it's your life. You just have to acknowledge other people in it occasionally, unless you like a lonely existence of counting wallpaper flowers. Go out and do something nice, before those flowers start talking to you.

Aquarius: Your big break will arrive at 2:30 Tuesday, unless you're in the bathroom, or asleep, or watching a "Real Housewives" marathon. In that case, it will shake its head and move on.

Pisces: The impossible is just the improbable with a lot of work behind it. You've done the work, now it's time to pull a few impossible things from your sleeve. Not that tissue, though. That's just gross.



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