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Tuesday, Nov. 25, 2014

Wisecrack Zodiac

Friday, February 1, 2013

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Aries: When it comes to your temper, you normally get a lot of bang for your buck. Friday's tantrum will fizzle, because you have to listen before you can react. At least you won't blow your own hand off by holding on to some stupid reason for being angry.

Taurus: In the game of love, you're always the shoe, never the car. That's okay. Considering the hotties who would let you pass "Go" anyway, you'd just use up the $200 for antibiotics.

Gemini: Most people have a one-two punch, but you get in several licks before anyone realizes you're there. Line up your best shot, because you're about to pummel someone with your awesomeness.

Cancer: The whole world is looking at you; are you ready for your close-up? Everyone's going to have questions about you, the senator and the ferret, so practice those sound bites before the news trucks roll up.

Leo: If life were a contest, you would score a blue ribbon every time. While the universe is filled with winners and losers, you don't have to compete for the best moments, just cool those track shoes so they can catch up with you.

Virgo: You want your office to run like clockwork, but it tends to move like a cheap compass, pointing toward anything shiny. Quit obsessing over the cogs and let the needle wander; occasionally it aims in the right direction.

Libra: You're starting to feel like ten pounds of crazy in a two-pound bag. Time to slow down and let out those seams, or someone could lose an eye when you finally burst out.

Scorpio: Thursday will be like a wet cough drop in your pocket; everything's going to stick to it. Don't obsess over picking off the lint, just set your sights on Friday and keep moving.

Sagittarius: Love may be a dance, but the only person you'll attract with those moves is a chiropractor. Stick with the basics and aim for grace instead of traction.

Capricorn: You need the expertise of someone you despise to solve a situation. Don't worry, this is why margarita happy hours were invented. It's easier to grin and bear it with a mouthful of tequila.

Aquarius: Every journey begins with a single step. Sometimes it's a step backwards, but hey, at least you're moving. Next time, try one foot in front of the other with a forward motion.

Pisces: If you're tired of everyone dumping their problems on you and never returning the favor of a friendly ear, cheer up. You're the one with all their secrets. That should be worth a few free dinners, don't you think?



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