Aries: Success takes ability, luck and lots of fertilizer. You have two components ready to go, now you just need to find a skill besides talking bullcrap, unless you want to go into politics.
Taurus: You're slow to act, so when you start to make a move on Wednesday, give a warning yelp. That way, the pigeons roosting on you won't be quite as startled.
Gemini: Don't pay any attention if someone says a current situation serves you right. You should only be offended if it serves you wrong, because that salad fork is crucial.
Cancer: On Thursday, no one knows best so ignore the person claiming to be an expert. Of course, watching their butt cheeks flap as they talk out of them can at least give you a giggle.
Leo: The answer you need on Sunday is either tequila, Twitter or high colonics, but not all three unless you plan on breaking the Internet. Leave some things to the imagination.
Virgo: You have an irresistible opportunity this week. Don't wait for it to knock, just throw open the door when you see it coming up the steps. It will be worth it.
Libra: You're so full of creative energy, it sloshes around on the carpet and furniture. No need to rent a steam cleaner, just add some more color and call it art. No painting the dog, though.
Scorpio: If life is like a box of chocolates, then your center is one of those weird banana creams that no one likes. Build up your caramel muscles before someone sticks a thumb in you and puts you back in the box.
Sagittarius: Everyone needs some guidance now and again, but the helper monkey might be a bit much. On the plus side, he does throw poo at people you don't like. This could be the longest relationship you ever have.
Capricorn: You don't need any help finding trouble. In fact, you're the Google Maps of poor decisions and shady opportunities. Recalculate your path before you end up in a Lifetime movie.
Aquarius: Pushing yourself too much? Your hamster is still on his wheel, but he's wheezing hard. Lighten up a little and let him tiptoe through the tulips on a sunny day. You'll both be happier.
Pisces: You don't crave the spotlight, but you wouldn't mind warming your toes along the edge. Stick those little piggies out there on Friday, and show off that new pedicure.