Aries: If wishes were horses, drunken texts would be half-mad centaurs galloping across your living room. Do all your wishing and stupidity outside, because some things will never come out of the carpet.
Taurus: When things look bleak, remember that somewhere, someone is getting hilariously kicked in the nuts or falling off a skateboard. There are so many epic fails in the world, you barely count.
Gemini: That sparkle in your eye isnít because someone rubbed your contacts against a static-charged balloon again; thereís something actually positive coming in your day. Donít get cocky.
Cancer: The best things in life are free, but the really awesome, tremendous things are hidden behind a paywall. Time to ask for that raise so you can bump up your subscription to the universe.
Leo: People donít understand you, and thatís the way you like it. Youíre like a physics class in Esperanto; nobody gets it, but everyone loves your air of mystery.
Virgo: Whatís waiting in your week? The truth will startle you! OK, it wonít surprise you that much, but you should be concerned about what the cat is eating after you see what it did in your shoes.
Libra: One small step for man is really just a twitch for a giraffe. So why arenít they in space? These are things that keep you up on Sunday night. You should really stop eating chocolate chips and olives before bed.
Scorpio: You know your own self-worth, but that doesnít mean you can turn in the receipt to karma and get reimbursed. Besides, the universe canít take you back anyway, youíre stretched out and clearly worn. Put yourself on eBay instead.
Sagittarius: All the worldís a dance party, and youíre stuck behind the punch bowl. Time to hand over the ladle to the weird guy in the corduroy vest and show everyone your awkward moves; they will applaud your courage and start a GoFundMe for your lost rhythm.
Capricorn: Good news doesnít always come as a singing telegram; sometimes itís written in Sharpie on a rock and thrown at your head. Celebrate it after the concussion clears.
Aquarius: Sometimes you feel about as useful as an iPad stylus in a room of Commodore 64s. Donít underestimate yourself; youíre a handy weapon in case a heated nerdfight breaks out. Aim for the soft spots, which is easy: theyíre all soft spots.
Pisces: Itís fine to make your own luck, but you might watch a YouTube tutorial first. Otherwise, youíll never break out of that hot glue shell youíve welded yourself into, and youíll spread glitter everywhere.