Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Aries: The world is at your feet, but that doesn’t give you license to stomp on it. Dust it off and put it back up where it came from; you’ll get a lovely “Get out of idiocy free” thank you card from the universe.

Taurus: Everyone has hot buttons, but this week your wires have crossed. Seek out a sweetie who can disconnect you before you start spitting sparks and melting down.

Gemini: Sometimes the best thing isn’t love or money, it’s simply a good night’s sleep. You’ll get that on Wednesday, in spite of the kids and dogs playing tag on your bed.

Cancer: Not everyone likes you at first bite; you’re more of an acquired taste. While that keeps you safe from vampires, you are in danger from thrill-seeking hipster chefs. Wear a pair of Crocs as protection.

Leo: Everything happens in its own time, but that doesn’t mean you can’t goose the clock now and again. Sneak up on it and give it a tickle; that should shake up the schedule for your success.

Virgo: Your personal style draws lot of comments, and the occasional bumblebee. Retire the flower-print jumpsuits unless you want to be the heartthrob of a lovestruck swarm.

Libra: Some days you’re Clark Kent, some days you’re Superman, but on Tuesday you’re an innocent bystander hoping someone will save you from the man-eating photocopier. Scream high and loud, so your personal superhero can hear you.

Scorpio: Ignore those who say you need self-reflection. You’re like a Pat the Bunny book; after a few gropes, there’s not much to see. Just tell folks you’re like a Zen riddle. What is the sound of one hand stroking something furry?

Sagittarius: You’re always the sturdy, get-it-done sign of the zodiac. When do you get to have some wild, unbridled fun? Saturday. 9 pm. Wear those shoes everyone hates.

Capricorn: A big decision is heading your way. You can tackle it head on or hide from it under the bathroom sink. You know which way is best, but you’re still likely to spend an evening reading the warning labels on shampoo bottles.

Aquarius: The clouds part, your spirits lift and for one shining day, you feel like you can do anything. Grab that day and all its gusto before your family notices your happiness and tries to take advantage of it.

Pisces: It’s time to stop wearing your navel as a hat. Uncurl yourself from your standard fetal position and meet the world face to face. That way, you can see other people’s weird nose hairs and realize that you’re OK.