Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Aries: Variety is the spice of life, but youíve added way too much garlic and cilantro to your mix. Your breath might keep cuties away, but it will also kill vampires on contact, so at least thereís a bright side.

Taurus: If your reach exceeds your grasp, donít give up. Youíre finally showing some ambition, you just need to do some yoga so you can explore the top shelf. Hint: Thatís where they keep the really good stuff.

Gemini: You donít mind the road less traveled, except that youíre getting blisters. Hop off for a while, heal up, then hit that wild path again with new shoes, new attitude and plenty of Band-Aids.

Cancer: You may be a fountain of wisdom, but right now something else is spraying out of you. Avoid crowds until allergy season winds down, because pollen turns you into a snotty lawn sprinkler.

Leo: Some people refuse to see the bright side, and you canít make them. Forced jazz hands just looks weird. Keep playing your own one-person band, and you may annoy them enough that they give in.

Virgo: Forget the pot of gold; at the end of every rainbow, thereís usually someone taking a selfie instead. But they might buy you dinner if you promise to Instagram it with them, so itís still a win.

Libra: If music is the food of life, youíre meagerly existing on stale cheese puffs and rubbery country remixes. Shake things up with David Hasselhoff singing Japanese pop music or bagpipe death metal. At the least, youíll be more interesting.

Scorpio: Grab a comfy chair and have a seat; no one expects the Spanish Inquisition, unless you ordered it on Amazon. Turns out the chief weapons of fear and surprise are beaten by a tracking number and delivery updates.

Sagittarius: Look deeply into your soul. Is that lint? Mold? Your inner being really needs a good spring cleaning. Grab some Comet and a toilet brush, and get busy.

Capricorn: Expanding your horizons is great, but youíll need to switch your mind from a gas-guzzler to a sleek, efficient Prius brainpower model so you can see all the new sights.

Aquarius: Donít despair if you find yourself in a rut; just decorate it, install wi-fi and enjoy your new digs. Youíll do fine as long as you donít try to flip it for a canyon. Something that big is nearly inescapable.

Pisces: You see the world in a different light, mainly because of those psychedelic steampunk goggles you wear. Dance to the beat of your own mechanized, tie-dyed drum, and eventually everyone will follow. Mainly they just want to see where you end up.