Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Aries: One small step for man usually means you’ll be zapped by the time you reach the doorknob. Pick up your feet before you fry your nose hair.

Taurus: Tuesday will be an exercise in humility. Do enough reps, and you can yell out at the gym “Bro, do you even lift?” Which will cancel out your humility, and you’ll have to start over.

Gemini: Sure, you think you can make that jump with a souped-up go-kart and a caffeinated ferret co-pilot, but it’s best to get a second opinion. Just don’t call Charlie Sheen again; you’re still paying damages for his last bit of free advice.

Cancer: You may feel invisible, but the universe knows you’re there. It’s just covered you up with moss and a few weeds. Show it some potential, and dig yourself out. The sunshine will do you good.

Leo: You’ve found your true calling, but someone keeps hanging up on you. Dial again, and make Karma an offer it can’t refuse; if anyone can keep it on the line, it’s you.

Virgo: Jump for joy, jump for sorrow, just get moving. It’s almost swimsuit weather, and you haven’t gotten in shape, shaved your back or picked out that perfect one-piece mankini with matching butt floss yet.

Libra: It’s okay if you’re a few Skittles short; no one’s reaching into your candy dish lately anyway. If you stay mysterious, everyone will want a piece of your deliciousness when the time is right.

Scorpio: Your attention span is so short, you think those five-second YouTube ads are feature films. Unplug so you can—hey, you, still talking here—learn to concentrate again.

Sagittarius: That 24/7 positive attitude is commendable, but it’s also freaking people out. Don’t be surprised if your family follows you on the sly, to see if you came out of a pod.

Capricorn: Feel free to let your hair down this weekend, but don’t be surprised when three woodchucks, a toothbrush and Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits fall out. Your hair has a more interesting social life than you do.

Aquarius: You can pretend to dance like no one’s watching, but make sure someone is around for the inevitable “trip over the invisible dog” boogie move you’ve perfected. With luck, the EMTs can carry you to the ambulance without laughing.

Pisces: Take the good, take the bad, take them both and there you have some really weird cookies no one wants to eat. Thank goodness you have other skills and a bakery on speed dial. For you, the facts of life are suggestions, really.