Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Aries: One small step for man usually means youíll be zapped by the time you reach the doorknob. Pick up your feet before you fry your nose hair.

Taurus: Tuesday will be an exercise in humility. Do enough reps, and you can yell out at the gym ďBro, do you even lift?Ē Which will cancel out your humility, and youíll have to start over.

Gemini: Sure, you think you can make that jump with a souped-up go-kart and a caffeinated ferret co-pilot, but itís best to get a second opinion. Just donít call Charlie Sheen again; youíre still paying damages for his last bit of free advice.

Cancer: You may feel invisible, but the universe knows youíre there. Itís just covered you up with moss and a few weeds. Show it some potential, and dig yourself out. The sunshine will do you good.

Leo: Youíve found your true calling, but someone keeps hanging up on you. Dial again, and make Karma an offer it canít refuse; if anyone can keep it on the line, itís you.

Virgo: Jump for joy, jump for sorrow, just get moving. Itís almost swimsuit weather, and you havenít gotten in shape, shaved your back or picked out that perfect one-piece mankini with matching butt floss yet.

Libra: Itís okay if youíre a few Skittles short; no oneís reaching into your candy dish lately anyway. If you stay mysterious, everyone will want a piece of your deliciousness when the time is right.

Scorpio: Your attention span is so short, you think those five-second YouTube ads are feature films. Unplug so you canóhey, you, still talking hereólearn to concentrate again.

Sagittarius: That 24/7 positive attitude is commendable, but itís also freaking people out. Donít be surprised if your family follows you on the sly, to see if you came out of a pod.

Capricorn: Feel free to let your hair down this weekend, but donít be surprised when three woodchucks, a toothbrush and Barry Manilowís Greatest Hits fall out. Your hair has a more interesting social life than you do.

Aquarius: You can pretend to dance like no oneís watching, but make sure someone is around for the inevitable ďtrip over the invisible dogĒ boogie move youíve perfected. With luck, the EMTs can carry you to the ambulance without laughing.

Pisces: Take the good, take the bad, take them both and there you have some really weird cookies no one wants to eat. Thank goodness you have other skills and a bakery on speed dial. For you, the facts of life are suggestions, really.