Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Aries: If you havenít hit the nail on the head yet, itís because no one trusts you with the hammer. Work up to hand tools while building your thoughts, and leave the nail gun alone.

Taurus: Time flies when youíre having fun, which explains why time is doing a drunk spider crawl across your wall. Get out and do something or someone new so time can finally sprout some wings.

Gemini: Even your best intentions have some loose threads. Weave a new plan, and leave no strings attached. Otherwise, someone will pull your great idea apart at the seams.

Cancer: If thereís an angel on your shoulder, heís only there to ask directions. Listen to him while heís perched there, because your shoulder devil has run out of new jokes and is currently trolling on Reddit.

Leo: You have a new challenge ahead, so tackle it with wit and enthusiasm instead of your usual dread and sarcasm. You might even find that you like it, in spite of what your bitter muse may think. Your muse needs some Xanax and a holiday anyway.

Virgo: Reach for your dreams, no matter how high they are. You never know when one might scare a bird, bounce off a tree and swoop within grabbing range.

Libra: You think youíre ready to spring something new on your boss, but youíre not sure. Cover yourself in BBQ sauce and run through a weight loss convention; if you come through that unscathed, youíll be fine at work.

Scorpio: Donít be the pot calling the kettle black; how long has it been since either of you have been through a dishwasher? Have you been de-greased lately? Keep peace in the kitchen, and quit badmouthing the silverware, too.

Sagittarius: If you like it you can put a ring on it, but if you truly love it, put a pizza in front of it. Jewelry canít compete with a deep dish supreme with extra cheese. Donít forget the crazy bread.

Capricorn: Youíre quick to judge othersí shortcomings, but you havenít spent time with your own lately. Take a pressure hose of contemplation to your own navel before you try to squeegee someone elseís life.

Aquarius: Tuesday is the kid who gets all Aís in school, but Thursday is the kid who gets a nickel stuck in its nose. Watch them all carefully this week, because you never know when a day will suddenly vomit on your shoes.

Pisces: Youíre still floating high from fulfilling a big goal; set your sights on some other targets while youíre in the neighborhood. You could have your best year ever in the space of a few weeks.