Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Aries: Sometimes when you reach for your dreams, you grab the cookies instead. Before you glue yourself to the couch, try reaching for a smaller dream on a lower shelf to keep your motivation up.

Taurus: The universe broke the mold when it made you. Too bad it didnít wait until after you were done. Donít worry if youíre a little cracked, youíve been that way all along.

Gemini: The opportunity of a lifetime will dangle in front of you on Tuesday. If it gets caught in your hair, donít scare it off by screaming and slapping your head. Thereís very little chance of it laying eggs in your eyebrows.

Cancer: Happiness is a warm puppy with a few hundred dollar bills tucked in around its collar. Feel free to play and snuggle, just donít ask the doggie where heís earning his cash at night.

Leo: Opening up your heart to others is easier if you have a crowbar handy. Things are a bit rusty, so oil the hinges, too, and maybe buy a few new throw pillows for company.

Virgo: Find something you love, and youíll never work a day in your life, especially if what you love involves really old billionaires with loose morals. Good thing you take CPR classes along with your yoga.

Libra: Youíve been inside so long, Netflix is about to cut you off. Find your shoes and head outside. If you can navigate your way to the street, maybe you can hire the neighborhood kid to cut your lawn so you can find your way back.

Scorpio: You donít have to be the life of the party, but you can definitely be the Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Youíre sweet, and you donít tear up peopleís mouths like that Capín Crunch dude.

Sagittarius: Thereís no ďIĒ in team, but there is meat. So if youíre a zombie or youíre just really devoted to your paleo diet, Wednesdayís staff meeting will be especially good for you.

Capricorn: Know yourself and youíll never be alone at a soiree; you can always keep up with your own sparkling wit and conversation. Good thing, too, because everyone else is giving you a very wide berth.

Aquarius: Thursday is a good day to rid yourself of things you donít need, so change the locks before your brother-in-law comes back. Heís more comfortable in his van down by the river anyway, and you need a man cave for football and knitting.

Pisces: You donít have to be a reflecting pool and mirror other peopleís emotions. Be your own storm and slap the morons with a well-placed wave and the occasional sharknado.