Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Aries: Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Feel better? Good. Quit annoying your family this week with your tuba death metal and youíll be allowed to keep breathing on a regular basis.

Taurus: You have all the best moves, except for that third one. That particular move may attract an amorous moose. At least you and the moose enjoy the same Netflix shows, so it could work out.

Gemini: Let a smile be your umbrella, an ear wiggle be your cell phone, and a tongue be your car keys. Youíll look weird and youíll talk funny, but at least your pockets will be much lighter.

Cancer: Those who cannot do, teach. Those who cannot teach, lead. Those who cannot lead, end up in middle management and plan four-hour meetings to discuss the color of the water cooler, so bring your phone to distract yourself at the staff meeting on Thursday.

Leo: Itís fine if you decorate your happy place with swords, pit traps and ninja stars, just donít invite anyone over for tea; theyíll be jumpy for days. Some things are meant for you alone.

Virgo: Youíre feeling more out of place than Barney the dinosaur in a Game of Thrones episode. Once you avoid all the pointy things, lay low and you might get a date with a dragon.

Libra: Hitch your wagon to a star, and youíll get great gas mileage. Be careful, though; very few wagons offer seat belts and stars occasionally take sharp left turns. Pack a parachute.

Scorpio: Someone tries to pick a fight with you on Tuesday, but your best move is to laugh it off. If they ask why youíre giggling, tell them you saw their paycheck stub.

Sagittarius: You think you know whatís best, but thatís because you havenít seen the universal Sears catalog of awesomeness. Check out page 42, it will change your life forever.

Capricorn: Love finds you when you least expect it. Tell it to wait outside, until youíre done looking through Twitter while sitting on the toilet. Sometimes love needs boundaries.

Aquarius: Youíre having such an incredible streak of luck, even the mice are cheering you on. Donít worry about why theyíre in your car, just admire how cute they are with their little pompoms and foam #1 fingers.

Pisces: You donít have to chase life with gusto, but you can skip after it with a bit of cheer. Start slow; your legs arenít used to all the unfamiliar exercise.