Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Aries: Spoils go to the victor, but who wants something spoiled? Go for a fresher victory thatís been kept cool and tasty, and out of the summer heat. Hint: Thatís not anything at the company potluck, for sure.

Taurus: You can have the last word, the last laugh or the last cookie. Depends on what you feel more of: stubborn or hungry. If it helps, the cookie is chocolate chip.

Gemini: Others may be on a slippery slope, but you took rock climbing lessons from mountain goats. Dig in, keep your balance, and youíll stay on top while your co-workers tumble like an 1980s action movie avalanche.

Cancer: Itís always the quiet ones people worry about, so youíre definitely in the clear. Your challenge is: Can you zip your lip before you give away your Instagram password and bank routing number?

Leo: While those around you scream that the sky is falling, youíre thinking that the world would make a great Lego set. Rebuild whatís around you until you love what you see or you find that missing window piece.

Virgo: You think youíre smooth as silk, but someone suspects youíre wearing the latest in steel wool fashions. Either do some fast talking or scrub away their frowns until their faces gleam.

Libra: Not everyone can pull off an outfit of baby oil and body glitter, but on you, it works. On Thursday, you leave sparkling butt prints at the DMV and on the office copier.

Scorpio: To thine own self be true: everyone else can get a little fib, whether itís your cup size, IQ, or how many likes your cat pictures get on Facebook. After all, you have to have some mystery somewhere in your life.

Sagittarius: Some people get the shopping cart with the squeaky wheel, but on Monday you get the one with two wheels, a dirty diaper in the corner and the handle is on fire. Good luck in the self-checkout lane, where everything is an unexpected item in the bagging area.

Capricorn: You did the work, now itís time to enjoy the fruits of your labor; make the kids find the TV remote and then catch up on reality shows while they mow the lawn. It may not really build character, but it gets them out of your hair for a while.

Aquarius: You would stay on the straight and narrow much easier if Tom Hiddleston wasnít the sweet, tempting voice on your GPS system. Meander where you like; you have plenty of time to reach your destination.

Pisces: Lifeís only tough if you realize youíre chewing on your own boot. Get your foot out of your mouth and start walking the walk. You can work up to talking the talk later.