Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Aries: All the world’s a stage, and you just found the loose board. Not everyone can get applause for slapping themselves in the face while dancing, but you do it so well. Take a bow. Carefully.

Taurus: Take to the skies, and you’ll see how tiny everyone—and their problems—are down on earth. Your only problem is landing, which would have been easier if you booked a plane ride instead of shooting yourself out of a cannon.

Gemini: You shine like a diamond, which can really screw with oncoming traffic while you’re driving. Throw a blanket over yourself until you get home; after that, you’re the neighbor’s problem.

Cancer: Thursday brings a problem for you to solve. It’s one of those math word problems, so make sure you have two dozen melons, three easygoing friends and a mad wombat on hand.

Leo: Enjoy the milk of human kindness too closely this week and you’ll get squirted in the eye. Maybe it’s time to switch to the soy latte of human indifference. With sprinkles, of course.

Virgo: You can’t cover up what you did Friday night, but you can buy your friends’ silence by doling out your HBO and Netflix passwords for a few weeks. A season of ‘Stranger Things’ should cover what you did to that parking meter.

Libra: You’re looking fine and you know how to work it on Saturday. Blow a kiss to the haters, because that’s the most action they’ll see in years.

Scorpio: No good deed goes unpunished, and you’re the one in leather with the whip to make it happen. Sometimes even the best karmic opportunities feel a little naughty.

Sagittarius: Watch out on Sunday; a leopard can’t change his spots, but he might need a change of shorts after you surprise him in the parking lot. Plan on wearing track shoes.

Capricorn: Your coworkers know something you don’t. Could be an approaching layoff or the new wifi password. Either way, annoy them by burning popcorn in the microwave until they confess.

Aquarius: Everyone laughed when you tried to reinvent the wheel, but your tinkering does give you a shiny, new flying saucer. Kick it into turbo and find some aliens different like you. It’ll be worth it.

Pisces: Everyone likes telling you what you should do, and you give them space in your head, rent-free. Time to kick those inner voices to the curb and listen for your own muse. Offer it a lozenge or a nice cup of tea; it’s probably hoarse from shouting over the crowd for so long.