Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Aries: Find the beauty in your day. It could be a childís smile, or the fact that sheís sleeping on the floor because she thinks sheís a turtle and you donít have to change the sheets this week.

Taurus: Reach out to someone new. Since they donít know you, theyíre likely to extend the hand of friendship instead of the middle finger of reasonably strong emotion.

Gemini: Papaís got a brand-new bag, but itís full of the same old tricks. Tell him to pick a card, any card, and then flounce your way out of there while heís staring at the Jack of Spades.

Cancer: You feel a deep connection with the universe this week. Could be a mind-blowing revelation, or your new anxiety meds finally kicked in. Either way, enjoy the karmic buzz.

Leo: Youíve found inner peace before, you just forgot on which shelf you left it. Take some time to wander through the back rooms of your mind; youíll find some treasures and clean some cobwebs to boot.

Virgo: You feel unencumbered, which is strange, because according to the stars youíre supposed to be feeling like a cucumber. At least both conditions make you feel smooth, tasty and surprisingly full of B vitamins.

Libra: A new situation dances past you on Friday, but youíre wearing tap shoes instead of ballroom stilettos. Do the funky chicken barefoot if you must, but go after that opportunity before it exits stage right.

Scorpio: Release your heart, let it soar among the clouds, and hope it doesnít get pecked to death by a flock of migrating hummingbirds. If it comes home instead of getting sucked into a jet engine, all is well.

Sagittarius: The toughest experiences are your most worthy accomplishments, except for that thing you did back in í88 on spring break in Buffalo. There was no need for that, and the clowns still havenít gotten the smell out of their car.

Capricorn: Itís fine to let your freak flag fly, just donít carry it around in the locker room and snap it at peopleís butts like a wet towel. That will get your pool privileges suspended.

Aquarius: Youíre finally on the right track. Thatís a relief, because driving your go-kart on the train tracks was not productive. It did relieve your constipation when the 8:15 to Birmingham pulled up behind you, though.

Pisces: Donít wait for your groove to come back. Go get it. Try looking under the fridge or in the back of the closet. Itís holed up somewhere, watching Bruce Willis movies from the 1980s.