Wisecrack Zodiac

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Aries: Your boss thinks youíve jumped from the frying pan to the fire. They donít realize you will slide past the fire, leapfrog off the stove and shimmy out of the kitchen until you find the couch and large-screen TV in the den. Thatíll show them.

Taurus: People say the best defense is a good offense, but they havenít tried running while wearing a tie-dyed pinafore and screaming ďItís the aliens again!Ē Some just arenít as resourceful as you when it comes to self-defense or competency hearings.

Gemini: Itís fine to wear your feather in your cap, but quit trying to strap a whole chicken to your forehead. Showing off can lead to having your eyelashes plucked out by a hen.

Cancer: Not sure where Thursday is going? As they say, ďA wolf in sheepís clothing needs more talcum powder.Ē Try to avoid growling and chafing this week.

Leo: Life is a song. Sometimes you hum it quietly, other times you scream the lyrics while swinging a desk lamp around the office. Give your co-workers the lyric sheets so they know when to duck.

Virgo: You think youíve solved the puzzle, but someoneís grabbed a few of the pieces. Look under the table and behind the fridge. Youíll still have three missing, but unless you want to follow the dog around with a baggie, just figure out the rest on your own.

Libra: If you canít find your happy place on Friday, borrow someone elseís. One of your buddies isnít using theirs, and if you cough up some dough theyíll probably even throw in their Netflix password.

Scorpio: You can get back to Nature, but Nature doesnít want to get back to you. Take the hint after the third swarm of mosquitoes ravages your bare knees and stay inside until October.

Sagittarius: If your dream scares you, then itís a worthy challenge. But if it dresses like a clown and hangs around in sewers, get out of there. You donít need dreams that badly.

Capricorn: If someone calls you a good egg, they may be eyeing you for an omelet. Get the shell out of there before you crack.

Aquarius: The universe deals you into a master-level card game this week. Practice your poker face, because you have the winning hand, even without those aces up your sleeve.

Pisces: Lately you feel that for every step forward, you take two steps back. Tell Karma youíre tired of line dancing, and change the beat. Something about you just calls out for the Funky Chicken.