Aries: Put your best foot forward, and you’ll likely find all those Lego bricks someone left in the carpet. You’ll be late to work again, but at least you’ll invent a brand new dance.
Taurus: Looking on the bright side is a little tough since the universe upgraded to LED bulbs. Find some sunglasses so you don’t have a Clint Eastwood squint, unless you like saying “Make my day” to everyone, and then spending fifteen minutes explaining the reference to millennials.
Gemini: Buy a lottery ticket on Wednesday, and spend the afternoon slapping people with it when they ask about your retirement plans. Either you’ll win, or you’ll just be satisfied that you’ve given your nosy co-workers several paper cuts.
Cancer: Things go awry in the bedroom when you discover an ant colony in your nightstand. Pro tip: keep the whipped cream in the fridge and the edible undies in a Ziploc bag unless you’re really into frantic screaming.
Leo: You may feel like you’re stuck in someone’s shadow, but at least you don’t need as much sunscreen. They’ll move out of your spotlight faster if you goose them with a ballpoint pen.
Virgo: Beauty may be skin-deep, but crazy goes all the way down to the DNA. People may look your way for the former, but they’ll watch you like a hawk for the latter.
Libra: No one has all the answers, but you have enough wild theories to get yourself a gig on a cable news channel. Practice your condescending look in the mirror tonight.
Scorpio: You couldn’t catch a break if you were the new kid on a roller derby team. Slap on some pads and throw those elbows, because some good luck is heading your way fast and hard.
Sagittarius: Just when you want to get your groove on, you realize it shrank in the dryer. Grab a new groove; this time, pick something with spandex that you can just hose off later.
Capricorn: You took the road less traveled, and now you’re lost. Stop and listen; somewhere a crow is laughing at you. Give him your watch and he’ll lead you to the nearest Starbucks.
Aquarius: New opportunities are flying at you like golf balls at a driving range. Put on your helmet and grab a bucket, because chances like this are worth a few bruises. Stock up while you can.
Pisces: The journey of a lifetime begins with one step, but after that step, you jump right back into bed again. Drag yourself out of the warm covers and try for at least three steps this time. You can bring your teddy bear.